I am not Wonder Woman... Who knew?

I realized a few things about me this last little while and I thought I would share:

1) I AM NOT Wonder Woman, or Super Woman, or Super Girl or a super hero of ANY KIND! (Seriously!!! Who knew?!?!?!?!?!?!) It turns out I’m only human. I know now that it is because of God and God alone that I am still standing after the last few months. For most it will come as no surprise but I’ve been having a rough time for a while now. But finally, really, for real, I feel like I’m breaking free from all of it. Thank God for His grace!

2) I have gained WAY to much weight over the last few months and GET THIS: I’m ok with it. I’m not proud of it. I’m not excited about it. But I am OK with it. So this is HUGE in my book. Before I would have definitely beaten myself up over it. But what would be the point? It would do nothing other than bum me out and make me want to give up on myself… that leads me to number 3.

3) I will not give up on myself! So I had a few bad months, don’t we all? The point is that it wasn't a few bad years, or decades. It was a few bad months and I’m moving forward again. The difference now is that I know I can do this! I can succeed at losing weight and getting fit. I can live a positive healthy lifestyle. I’ve come so far since my daughter was born and I’ve learned so much. What a fantastic ride2010 was. But I gotta admit, I’m thrilled for it to be over.

Hello 2011! I just know, together, you and I are going to be amazing!!!!

4) Setting goals is a great idea, but writing them down is even better. According to a Harvard Business School study, written goals can translate into earnings of 10 times more than those who fail to establish goals or put them in writing. I love this quote by Mark Victor Hansen. He said, “By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you MOST want to be.” Have you written your goals down lately? What do you want to do with 2011? I’m not talking about New Year’s Resolution (you know those things we talk about, then give up on after about a week!) I’m talking about REAL goals. What do you want to be? Where do you want to be? How are you going to get there? They say the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. That’s so true! But, consider how valuable it will be to have a good road map to follow!

Here are a few of my goals for 2011: Some of these may seem like vague statements but I’ve got smaller goals set to accomplish each one.

Personal:
1) I will renew and strengthen my commitment to God.
2) I will renew and strengthen my commitment to my husband.
3) I will renew and strengthen my commitment to myself!
4) I am going to complete at least 2 half marathons.
a. 1 of them I will run at least 7 miles of.

5) I am going to walk/run 1000 miles in 2011
5) I will lose 50 pounds.
6) I will work harder to become completely debt free.
a. I will not purchase ANYTHING on credit, for ANY reason.

My Tastefully Simple Business:
1) I will push as hard as I can for the first 90 days of 2011.
2) I will book a minimum of 10 parties for the months of January, February and March.
a. I will have a minimum of $300 dollar average per party.
b. I will have a minimum of $4200 in retail sales for January, February and March.
c. I will work to book 2 parties from every party that I have.
3) I will sign at least 6 new consultants to my team and become A Team Manager.
4) I will help my new consultants sign at least 2 new consultants each.

Career:
1) I will promote to my GS-9 as quickly as possible. (January 2011)
a. I will earn my promotion
2) I will end 2011 with 100 hours of annual leave.
3) I will earn 2 monetary awards by contributing above and beyond my job requirements.
4) I will prepare myself to advance to a GS-11 in 2012

And those are just a beginning!

Weigh In

For those of you that would like to join my mini comp the weigh in/photo object is a

Christmas Ornament!

If you're new to the online competition world see my previous blog and check out the rules. Basically when you weigh in you have to have the date (either on your digital scale or on a piece of paper next to it) and a Christmas Ornament in the picture. This just helps with the honesty factor. If you have questions text me or comment here. :0) So far we've got 5 people in the competition including Karilynn~ YAY! Karilynn of course is the one that inspired me to do this thing in the first place. She's amazing, check out her blog, there is a link for it to the left of this post.

Hope everyone had a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! can't wait to start getting your weigh in pics etc. Happy New Year too~

Mini Weight Loss Comp... interested?

I don't know about all of you but I've been slacking... BIG TIME!!! I've recently put on more pounds than I'd like to admit and it's time to

STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!

(thank you Susan Powders)

So here's what I propose... A mini competition to send the holiday season (and pounds) packing!

Rules :

I thought about writing everything out but let's face it! There is no sense in messing with PERFECTION so instead I'm advising you all to see the Rules of the previous competition HERE (thanks Karilynn!!!) The rules for this competition are the same with 2 LITTLE differences. No Boys (SORRY BOYS) and 100 word blog minimum. (Or dang near that anyway. I HATE reading like 2 sentences because you're to lazy to actually blog) LAME. We're going at this for 1 month. You can spend a little time typing. :0)

Ok, So it's a 1 month, 1 week, 1 shot deal.
Buy in is 20 bucks.. I accept Cash, Check, Bank Transfer or Credit Card (I will be using my Pro Pay Account so you'll have to call me with the CC information, message me on facebook or best of all TEXT ME!!! If you don't have my cell number, find someone that does.)

Prizes will depend on how many people buy in:
65% goes to 1st place.
25% goes to 2nd place.
10% goes to 3rd place.

Competition starts December 27th. I thought about January 1 but... WHY WAIT??? If you want to join the competition you can weigh in any time between Dec. 27th and Jan 1st since weighing in later is actually a disadvantage I figured it wouldn't matter to those that want to get started right away. All money and pictures will have to be emailed to me at mindylburton@yahoo.com on or before January 1st at 6PM.
The competition ends February 1st at 6PM. All pictures will have to be in my inbox by then. Winners will be announced VIA facebook, blog and text message on that day. (Continuing in February will be decided toward the end of January and will only happen if there is an interest in continuing. The buy in and all applicable information will remain the same.)

I think that about covers it. But I do reserve the right to add anything I've forgotten to mention. *wink wink*

SO? YOU IN???

If so text me and let's get this party started!

Inspired by the people i've inspired...

I ran into an old friend at work last week. As we were walking into our training class she told me she had lost 72 pounds. It was so obvious she had, because she is looking great. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Three things: I don't eat bread, I don't eat potatoes and I don't drink calories." She said it had taken her about a year but she'd been consistently losing. I told her that was fantastic! I think that is the perfect way to do it.

She looked at me and said, "Well, you totally inspired me!" I thought my jaw would hit the floor... ME? Then she proceeded to tell me. She had lost about 20-30 pounds and then she got an email from me. (I had NO IDEA what email she was talking about... I don't remember ever sending her one.) She said that when she got my email "the one with the pictures of me" she thought to herself. If Mindy can do it, I CAN DO IT!

I realized finally what email she was talking about. Sometime about 5-6 months ago I had sent out an email to some of the girls I was on a Party Committee with. We had been talking about my weight loss progress so I sent them all my progressive pics (the ones seen at the top of my blog). I really didn't even realize that Francine had been on the recipient list of that email and shortly after that we had our event and I haven't seen her since.

I was amazed! I've had people tell me that they love reading my blog. That I've got a way with words and know just what to say to inspire them. I've had some, let's call them "followers" tell me they've lost ten pounds here or there... which is FANTASTIC... because of my support. But Francine, she has lost over 40 pounds and attributes it to me inspiring her to keep on losing. WOW!!!

I'm completely inspired by the people I've inspired. That conversation sparked a fire in me and I'm now filled again with the desire to make progress. Not in 1's and 2's but REAL progress. So, I'm back at it! No competitions, no prize money at the end of the month. Just the satisfaction of knowing that what I am doing is not only going to change my life but has the potential to change the lives of others. Being successful is awesome in it's own right but if I can inspire just one person, that's amazing!

So, Thank You Francine. :0) Thanks for the inspiration to keep pressing in and moving forward. I hope that you'll continue to as well.

Also, Thank You to all of you that have been here with me on this whole journey.
Amy, Brenda, Caron, Rob, Tim... You're all really great supporters! I couldn't do it without you.

Weigh in... or not

SOOOOOO glad karilynn spaced the weigh in cause I DID TOO!!! Texted her about 6:05PM saying OH CRAP! Guess i'll weigh in tomorrow then.
later!
mindy

Gettin Skinny

We were at church the other day and our pastor was talking about vision. He used an example made my another pastor and it really hit home for me... it went something like this:

It's vision that drives us. Vision that gets moves us into the future. For example, when a fat person decides they want to lose weight if they're to be successful they will envision themselves fit. The day after that first work out when they are so sore they can barely walk it will be that vision that gets them out of bed and back to the gym. That vision that will help them to make good food choices and to push through. That vision will drive them through every obstacle if they can just get it and hold onto it. If they focus on that vision of themselves as a fit person they will inevitably become a fit person.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for a fat person to get skinny simply by hating being fat.

Focusing on a negative will NEVER yield positive results.

(for the record: I've totally forgotten the image i had envisioned for myself. But I'm working on building an even better one... )

Bet you thought i forgot to blog huh? I didn't, just didn't post it.
I'll add the original content to my new blog today.

Layton Half Marathon

I did it!!!
Saturday was the Layton half Marathon and I actually did it!!!

Here are some of my thoughts and experiences along the way:

Mile 1: "Sweet lovin... Only one mile done!?!?!?!?! UGH! Why the heck did I even show up for this?"

Mile 2: I pulled over to fix my socks... a couple of girls, Melissa and Alicia, thought something was wrong and stopped to check on me. I walked with them for a mile.

Mile 3: "Ladies, I need to kick this in gear. Catch up with me." :0) and I started to run in intervals.

Mile 4: "Holy shit! Mile 4? Really? I've still got 9 miles to go. My feet are hurting, I'm bored and 13.1 miles is to much time to be in my own head!" ......
Then I started doing the math. This 1/2 was an out and back course. We went out 6.55 miles, turned around and came back in. I was 4 miles out and there was nothing to do but turn around. I realized I was almost half way there. "May as well just keep going."

Mile 5: Alicia decided to ditch Melissa and she caught up with me. She was fantastic. Very upbeat and fun to chat with. The farthest distance she had ever walked up to this day was 4 miles. I thought she must be crazy but I knew she's make it through. The time with her passed quickly and it was fun to have someone to push to the half way point with.

Mile 7: Melissa hooked back up with Alicia and her pace was not quite as quick as ours so Alicia slowed to walk with her. I again said good bye and started running my intervals.

Mile 8: (or somewhere around there) I heard someone shout my name from behind me, "MINDY MILLER!!!" I looked over my shoulder to see Devin, my trainer, running up behind me. She was running the full marathon. It was awesome to see her. It inspired me to run a little farther. :0)

Mile 9: "I CAN NOT do this! What the hell was I thinking? I'll never make it"... My feet at this point were aching. I have this GIANT blister developing on the ball of my foot right under my toe. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN??? It was getting cold and the worst part of all, I was stuck in my head again. UGH!

Mile 9.5: Some lady on the side of the road carrying a baby started walking with me. She said she could tell I was struggling and asked if she could walk with me a while. She was an older gal and there to support her two daughters that were walk/running the race as well. I figured out who they were and told her they were behind me. She said she was going to walk to her car and drive to try and find them. She walked with me for over half a mile. Chatting and smiling and super encouraging. She had lost 45 pounds training to run a half marathon. We talked a bit about our weight loss journeys. She was walking pretty quickly and pushed me through that portion of the race. It was really amazing! I wish she could have walked with me to the end... I wish I knew her name cause I'd send her a thank you note or something.

Mile 10: A 16 year old kid who was running his first full marathon stopped running. He was totally fatigued, cramping and completely uncertain if he would make it. We started chatting for a bit. At first he kept pace with me but soon began to fall back and I wasn't walking that fast. I looked over my shoulder and said, "Hey, I know you've gone like 3 times farther than me at this point. But if my fat butt can keep up this pace you sure as heck can too! :D And I gave him a big cheesy smile. He picked up his pace and in about a quarter of a mile he started running again. His dad, a 6 time marathon runner, winked at me and said thank you. He yelled, "We'll see you at the finish line." I waved, "You'll be waiting for a while! Don't forget, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!"

Mile 11.5: Final aid station. "THIS FREAKING SUCKS!!!!" At this point it was a "gradual" incline to the finish line. "GRADUAL INCLINE MY ASS!!!" Obviously the person that mapped this route has never actually done a marathon. "I freaking hate that person"

Mile 12: At this point EVERYTHING hurts. I am completely out of all reasons to go on. I know there is nothing to do but keep walking. There was no one at the finish line to meet me. No one to come and pick me up. No options but to keep walking. So, I started praying. I said something like, "Jesus, you've got to help me through this. Cause I don't think I can do this alone." Then I started to cry. Not just small tears slowly dripping down my face or anything like that. The loud sobbing, gasping cry that comes when you're really, really broken. In that moment that I asked God for help I thought to myself, "Why would he help me? I've done NOTHING for him lately." But, you know what, that is not what made me cry. It was was the realization, in that moment, that it didn't matter that I had done nothing for Him. I didn't have to earn his love. He'd help me simply because he loves me. Had I forgotten that these last few months? I need to get out of my head.

I pulled myself together and kept walking.

Mile 12.75: I can see the finish line. It's SOOOOO close but SOOOO far away still. Every step is agony. I really just want to sit down. There was no adrenaline rush this time. No big finish. Only the desire to sit down. I kept walking.

The Finish Line: I didn't even attempt to run over the finish line this time. I looked around at the crowd expecting NO ONE to be there to cheer me on. They announced my name and I gave two big thumbs up. Then to my left I heard someone shout my name and looked up. There was the 16 year old and his dad. They had ACTUALLY waited at the finish line to cheer me on. Then, from the other side, again I heard my name. There was the mother that had walked with me. They were all clapping and cheering and shouting my name.

HOLY crap...I totally didn't expect that!
Here come the tears again!

Finally, I crossed the finish line and they put the metal over my head. I must have looked like hell, or maybe it was the tears, cause someone from the medic tent rushed up to me to see if I was OK. I just laughed. "I'm doing great now!" From be hind me I heard Alicia's name. I turned around to watch her cross the finish line and cheered her through. She said she had tried to catch up with me but couldn't pull it off. We stood there together high fiving each other and cheering on the other runners. About 5 minutes later Melissa crossed the finish line too.

I hobbled to my car and drove home. I know, anti-climatic huh? Still, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself for pulling it off. My official time was 3 hours 52 minutes. That's 21 minutes longer than my last race (and not as good as i thought when I finished) but under my 4 hour mark. Last time I had Jessica right there with me to push me through. Karilynn was there for the last mile of the race. My mom, sister, husband and daughter were there to cheer me over the finish line. This time, it was just me.

I'm WAY proud of myself for for showing up and even more proud for finishing. I had a thousand reasons to not even show up that day. But, as a smart woman once said, make a list of all the "reasons" you can't do something; then throw them away cause they're all just excuses anyway!!

If you wanna do it. You just have to do it!

I stopped trying...

SO I was talking to Karilynn the other day about my month. Thank heaven I only gained .2 lbs. this month. The truth is though that I actually gained like somewhere between 7 and 10 and then lost it again! YIKES! Still, at least I pulled my head out enough to get it back down before weigh in.

So this is where I am. I am about 2 lbs up from my lowest weight in this competition. That means I've got to lose those 2 lbs. plus more to even start getting credit for the work I do. I want to say THIS IS MY MONTH... but who the hell am I kidding? I've totally stopped trying.

I have a list of reasons that I didn't do well this month... stress, work, moving, blah blah blah... the truth is. I'm sure I could weave a tail of struggles and distress and many of you would say... at least you are maintaining... it could have been worse. That may be true but want to know what's even more true than that?!?!?!?!?!

I STOPPED TRYING!!!

For every lame ass excuse I've got for not doing well I've got an equally or greater reason for doing better. For every poor choice I made when I ate, I gave up a good one. For every hour I sat on the couch instead of running on the treadmill, for every drink I had, cigarette I smoked, stupid piece of crappy food I put in my mouth; I have an hour that I could have been cooking good food, walking with my daughter, losing some stinking weight and inches!

SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?!

I told Karilynn the other day that I'm looking for that "THING". You know that elusive "THING" that give your motivation to do the "HEALTHY" deal. I realized yesterday; that "thing" is like falling in love. It’s the adrenaline rush you get when you first start something. It’s that heart pounding, mind numbing feeling that comes with the new, the chemical reaction in your brain... That shiver that shoots up your spine when you kiss someone for the first time. It’s the rush of building muscle and running when you haven't done it for years.

But just like the rush of lust when you're falling in love that stupid fat-losing adrenaline rush fades.

After the twittery-goo fades in a relationship you're left standing next to a person. Someone who is not you and often not who you thought they were when your vision was blinded by the haze of lovey-dovey smoke. You stop and realize that this person is not perfect and that's when the work begins because you have a decision to make. You choose to stay there, in love, or move on to the next "high".

The same is true with this, when you're adrenaline rush fades from the beginning of the "fat loss competition" and you're left standing there with a weight in your hand, it’s like waking up. Sometimes, it's a little like a nightmare and you wonder how the HELL you'd gotten there. It’s a little painful and surprising too I think; At least it was for me.
Here's my point, ultimately we choose. We choose to make a life with that person, we chose to stay in love and pray that that rush comes back to us one day. We chose to pick up another weight the next day and do it all over again. And sometimes we choose not to! That was me these last few months. I looked at the weight and thought, why should I even bother?
There's nothing in this for me.
There's no rush, no high...
No "THING".

So today, I'm making a choice. I'm going to STOP looking for the high. I'm going to pick up that weight and get my ass on a treadmill. The falling in love is over in this competition... For me, NOW, it's time to get some work done!

So? What's your choice?

new beginnings

Friday I'm closing on my new (old) house. i can hardly wait. although it's stressful to move and with everything else that's been going on i feel like it's almost more than i can take, i also feel like this new home is going to be a whole new beginning. for me, for my family, for my finances!

YAY!

I think October is going to be the best month of the year!

HOLY COW

I'm suppose to run a 1/2 marathon in 21 days and I AM NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!

Once i finally pulled my head out and started to recover from my poor decisions of last month i got sick. Not just a little but A LOT! I've been hacking and coughing and struggling to breath for the past 2.5 weeks. Needless to say my half marathon training has gone right out the window. The other day i was supposed to go 8 miles and after 2 i gave up. UGH!

My goal was to beat my last time by 33 mins and finish the race in under 3 hours.
My new goal: Finish the Race!

There is a part of me that wants to bail out on the whole thing. But i just can't. You see, i spent 45 dollars on that race and that would be ONE EXPENSIVE T-SHIRT if i did bail out now. I don't even spend that much for jeans!

So, are any of you walk/running the Layton half marathon? Anyone want a slow but steady partner to do the race with? Let me know.

Until then, I've got to get my @SS training again.

An introduction

I know I'm a little behind the times but... hey, better late than never right? So, Karilynn posted a challenge last week of introducing ourselves. So here i a little about me.

I'm 30 years old and mother to the most beautiful baby on the planet. This is my baby girl Jade. It is rare that i post pictures of her on an open blog or allow others to do so as well. i don't face book or my space so unless you're on a direct email list you probably won't see pictures like this very often. My husband Jack and i were married Aug. 19th 2007.

This is me 14 months and over 100 lbs. ago. Obviously pregnant but also WAY overweight as well. I am down 40+ pounds pre-pregnancy weight.

I was born and raised in Hooper Utah. That's north of Salt Lake City about 45 mins. and as far west as you can go without ending up in the Great Salt Lake (although i live just over the boarder so not to close to the lake). I grew up riding horses and traveling the rodeo seen with my family. They're all pretty country and i was always a little bit rock n' roll. But we all got along great!

Something a lot of people don't know about me: I am a belly dancer. I've been belly dancing for about six years now. i did take almost two years off just before i got pregnant and then during the pregnancy. i went back to dancing shortly after jade was born. I LOVE IT!!! (I'll try to add a pic but don't have one on this computer)

I work in supply as a Retail Item Manager. I love my job although it's crazy busy all the time and stresses me out a bit. There is never a day that i go to work that i don't feel like i accomplished something. That is a great way to end each day.

I've been overweight for most of my life. Although hind sight being 20/20 if i knew now what i knew then I'd have worried WAY less about my weight when i was a teenager. i would have loved my body and wore clothes to accentuate it rather than hide it!

My goal is to get to 18-20% body fat. i don't care how much i weigh at that point cause I'll be SMOKIN HOT!!!

The good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth…

Last you heard I was gearing up for a major push in August. I lined myself up to challenge a friend who was crazy enough to do the HCG diet. Well, needless to say, I fell WAY SHORT of the goal!

Without going into too much detail I’ve had some serious speed bumps in my life as of late. Things at home have been rocky to say the least and I felt as if I’ve been spinning out of control. Part of the reason for shooting for the big challenge was an attempt to get focused and stay that way. It didn’t work.

Rather than spending the month kicking my health and fitness into high gear I spent the month drinking, smoking, not drinking water, drinking coffee like it was water and eating like crap or even worse… not eating at all. For me not eating is the worst thing I can do to my body when it comes to weight loss. My metabolism, which usually runs like a Mack truck, flips into starvation mode with such ease that I pack on the fat like a polar bear preparing for the winter. I know this about myself… it isn’t news. Yet when the going got tough I gave up on me.

I started out ok. Digging in trying to stay on top... But then I stopped. For a few weeks I just ignored the fact that I was letting the month slip away with no regard to my health or well being. I found every opportunity and excuse to party and make bad choices all in a failed attempt to control something. I smoked because no one could stop me from doing it; I ate like shit because I was kidding myself that ‘I chose’ what I put in my mouth. I acted like a stupid, rebellious teenager. It was as I sat barfing my guts out in the bushes outside a house party this realization hit me like a freight train: I’m 30 years old! I have a daughter and a husband. I don’t want to go backwards!

Once I allowed myself consciously to realize what I was doing I spent a few days trying to make sense of it. I made lists of demands for myself, my husband and others around me. I lined up my life like a well prepared outline and then tried to force it into some kind of order. When that didn’t work I planned exit strategies that would get me to the end as quickly as possible, all of which were negative and geared entirely out of self destruction. Preparing myself mentally and physically to end my marriage, my position in my church, my place in my family… my everything!

Then suddenly………………….. It hit me………… WTF am I doing?

Why is it that when the shit hits the fan the ease and comfort of slipping into old patterns/habits jumps back into focus and feels like the best possible solution? I turned to some friends and family but I only gave them half truths and part of the story. Without all of the details outlined in my head they had no idea how to help. My husband, scared and completely confused, stood by me and tried to be supportive and understanding but again without all of the information he was at a loss.

I had a doctor’s appointment to get tested for exercise induced asthma (which it turns out I do have) and in a moment of weakness or brilliance or maybe both, I caved and spilled my guts to him. He made arrangements for me to see a counselor the following day and THANK GOD because I finally feel like I’m pulling myself back together again.

In my first few appointments with him my counselor just let me rattle on and on. Rather than focusing on my husband, family or whatever I decided the session would be entirely about me. I laid it all out there; the good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth! I told him again and again, “I’m going flipping crazy! I need help!” He kept asking me why I was crazy. I’d tell him this scenario or that and with each end he’d say, “So, why do you think that’s crazy?” I wanted to yell or scream WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME? WHY THE HELL ELSE DO YOU THINK I’M HERE? I even entertained the idea of punching him in the face a time or two. But over and over he’d ask, what I was thinking and why I thought I was crazy or why I thought what I was thinking was crazy. Anyway, I was almost certain that by the end of the sessions I’d be crazy for sure.


Then the other day, he sat forward in his chair and said, “Now, do you want to know what I think?” I was like YES!!! THANK YOU!!! And he told me, “Everything you just said is complete and total bull shit!” I almost fell out of my chair. First, how could a cute little old man use such language (lol) and second… how dare he? I was floored. So much so in fact, that I shut up, sat back and at a complete loss of words opened myself up to hear what he had to say. He cut me to the quick in an instant and it was exactly what I needed him to do. He then used my silence as an opportunity to give me some insight into everything I had just said.

He told me I was a powerful, motivated, hard working, independent woman. I was fully capable of taking charge of my life and my situation. My executive mind decided that something in my life needed to change and in an effort to force the situation I made a list of “tangible things” that I could influence. The biggest mistake I made was focusing on all of the really negative and self-destructive tangible things for me. Here’s the problem with that and the reason I was going crazy; the reason I was completely bonkers in my head.

There was nothing wrong with my life, my circumstances or my tangible existence. What really had me messed up was that my heart was broken! With all that was happening I was an emotional wreck but rather than face that reality, rather than opening up my heart and being transparent about the whole thing I shut it down. Paralyzed by fear and the thought of hurting even more, I closed myself off to everyone and everything that was good in my life and ran to all of the things that were bad. I participated in a bunch of unhealthy activity while avoiding the healthy all together. I avoided those people I knew could reach into me and force the doors of my heart open. Even worse I ripped to shreds the ones who had the misfortune of being in my presence and making the attempt. (Sorry to ALL of you!)


I’ve been hiding from my future because I was hurt and afraid. I was focusing on the negative tangible aspects of my life because I was punishing myself for being too cowardly to face the truth. I’m sure it is only by the grace of God that I didn’t do something completely insane.
So there you go. Without to many details or dragging anyone under the bus, this is me being transparent. That’s where I’ve been and where I am now. I’m a wreck. But, I’m back. I come with no great promises for success or dedications or motivation. No crazy challenges in tow or deep commitment to anyone other than myself.

I’m back. That’s a start!

Going Great

Things have been going great with my month. The scale is not reflecting my devotion as much as I'd like to see but I'm sticking with it and knowing that the results will follow. Work has been insane and my daughter has been sick so that has thrown a wrench in my spokes. Still, I'm digging in and working hard. Hope you're all doing the same.

The HCG Challenge

I know what some of you are thinking… how could I EVER say those three letters together on this blog, in this competition. DON’T PANIC!!! I’m not going to do that crap (and I do mean crap) I’m just going to prove a point.
I have recently come across a large number of women that have “lost tons of weight” on the HCG diet. I was talking to a friend that works at Lane Bryant (I call her friend because although we only know each other from the store I’m such a regular shopper there that she knows quite a bit about me and I about her. I love that store!!!). She has mentioned several times over the last year how great I look and she finally asked how much I had lost. I told her nearly a hundred pounds and when she asked me what I was doing she didn’t seem to like my answer at all. I said, “I’m exercising and making better choices about what food I eat. I’m not really dieting at all, I’m just changing the way I live my life and that has changed the way my body looks and feels.” She cocked her head to the side and just stared at me for like 30 seconds. Then she shook her head from side to side like she was trying to get a bad thought out or something. So funny… Anyway, I mentioned she too was looking great and I asked what she had been doing. She said, “I totally lost 30 lbs. on the HCG diet a couple months ago!!! It kinda sucked BUT it’s been almost 2 months and I’ve only gained about half of it back so I think that’s fantastic! I’m thinking I’ll do it again for 30 days in August so that I can finish the summer off strong and be in a good place when the holidays come.” My response, “Wow, good luck with that!” What else could I possibly say? I wanted to say something like, “ARE YOU FREAKING STUPID???” and then rant on and on for 20 minutes about my complete and utter dislike of the whole HCG diet. That and my complete disdain for concept of dieting at all. But I didn’t, I just smiled and walked away.
Well, this little exchange started a conversation between Jen and I (You all know Jen from Jen-uinely Healthy) we talked about how people do lose crazy weight doing this HCG thing and how it’s SO bad for them in SO many ways. Have any of you looked into it at all? You eat like 500 calories a day (can you imagine what that’s doing to your metabolism… not to mention your mental state) as well as the fact you can’t use certain shampoo, conditioner, lotion, Chap Stick or makeup cause you’re body will absorb the fat that is in them. That’s just the tip of the iceberg! WTF?!?!?!?! Who in their right mind would do any of that to themselves? Let’s top it all off with the fact that NO ONE can sustain that kind of crazy diet and since there is no motivation to make true life changing choices once you go back to your old habits (and they ALWAYS DO) then the weight comes right back… this time with a vengeance cause they jacked up their metabolism. ANYWAY, I digress.
Jen and I were talking about how we believe it is TOTALLY possible to lose 15-20 lbs. of fat in a month (because we have more than that of pure fat on our bodies that we can lose still) by eating on menu and exercising. As we got talking I was struck with a huge realization: since I started this whole adventure there has been very few weeks or even days that I have been perfectly on menu. I’ve been slowly changing my habits and slowly making change which is FANTASTIC and I’m doing great but I think it’s time to rev it up a little. So this HCG challenge is PERFECT! My dear sweet friend just started up again on her HCG adventure and so I’m proposing this: I am going on menu this month and I’m going to lose more than her!
The plan: Jack my amazing hubby revamped my menu last night. I’m going on a 3289 Calorie menu that will increase 300 calories on days I work out hard. I will be eating a 15% fat, 55% carb, 30% protein. This means I’ll be eating quite a lot of nutrient dense food every day (perhaps I’ll blog a time or two about what exactly I’m eating). I’ll be getting my carbs primarily from fruits, veggies and brown rice. I will perhaps have pasta occasionally but for the most part I really prefer rice, even if I’m having it with marinara! YUMMY! One thing for sure is I will not, FOR EVEN A SECOND, feel hungry. However, I’m quite certain my friend will be starving for most of the 30 days. I will continue to train for my half marathon (October 9th) running 4-5 days as well as continuing a minimum of 3 days of weight training each week. I’ll be feeling great and exercising while I’m quite certain she will be feeling like crap and doing little to nothing physical because she won’t have the energy to do so.
At the end of the 30 days we’ll compare. My eating lots of food with good healthy exercise and her crash diet with almost no food and no energy to do anything…
This should be quite a challenge but also fun…. what do you think?

Note: I wrote this blog on August 1 but my home computer crashed so I’ve been unable to post. Since then I’ve had (with the exception of skipping 1 meal, which I think is pretty good considering I didn’t eat a tub of Ben & Jerry’s or something) 6 perfect days! GO ME!

Yikes!!!

Weigh in tomorrow... are you ready???

I'M NOT!

Damn Beer!

"It's a Holiday" = The Ultimate Excuse

Someone said to me the other day that we picked a bad time to “diet” because of the holidays.

“Seriously”, she said, “This month we have the 4th and then there is the 24th and then Labor day! That’s a lot of BBQ’s and beer to give up!”

Let’s just get it all out there people.

Here are a list of the US Holidays:

Jan – New Years Day & Martin Luther King Day
Feb – Jen’s Birthday, Valentine’s Day & Presidents Day

March - Saint Patrick's Day (oh the green beer!!!)
April – Easter
May – Mothers Day & Memorial Day
June – Fathers Day & My sisters Birthday, Karilynn’s Birthday
July – Independence Day, My mom’s Birthday, Jades Birthday and Pioneer Days (24th)
Sept – Labor Day & My Dad Birthday
Oct – Columbus Day & Halloween
Nov – My birthday, Jack’s Birthday, Veterans Day & Thanksgiving
December – Christmas Eve, My Grandma’s Birthday, Christmas Day & New Years Eve

I stuck some birthday’s in there just to illustrate a point… Everyone knows you can’t “diet” when someone is celebrating a birthday right?!?!? Let me ask you this… how many of you don’t know AT LEAST ONE PERSON who is celebrating this month? I bet if you thought about it, between work, friends and family, you could find at least 1 person each month to celebrate with.

Thus, providing us all with at least 1 day to skip the “diet” and eat cake.

Based on this calendar and the IDEA that holidays prevent us from “dieting”, it looks like the only month that I can “diet” is August because the rest of them are chuck full of good holiday, BBQ & Birthday fun!

COME ON PEOPLE!!! LET’S GET REAL!!!

First of all why are you “dieting” in the first place???

It's like Karilynn said, “Stop dieting and start living”!

As long as you are looking for an excuse to eat like crap and make poor choices you’ll find one! I hate to break it to you all but those holidays and even those birthdays are JUST ONE DAY. So even if you do choose to partake of some good old B B Q fun on the holiday LEAVE IT AT THAT!!! If you worked hard and ate GREAT (not just ok or pretty good, GREAT) six days of the week and ate like total CRAP-OLA one day a week you’d still see results!

It’s SOOOOO easy to get caught up in all of the excuses we give ourselves to make bad choices. It’s so easy to think that you’ll put it off till just after this holiday or that, till tomorrow or Monday. But after every holiday there is someone’s birthday; Tomorrow never comes and Monday you’ll just find another excuse.

(Trust me people I'm preaching to myself here)

Making change starts RIGHT NOW! The next choice you make can be a better one than the last. Don’t beat yourself up for choosing to eat at your family BBQ. Stop telling yourself that because you ate the potato salad you jacked up your “diet” and now you may as well kick back a six pack of beer.

Have potato salad just don’t eat enough for 3 people…

Have a beer but you don’t need a 6 pack.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

I CAN DO THIS!!!

We just have to choose to!

It should be a crime...

... TO LOOK THIS GOOD!!!

JUST THOUGHT I'D LET YA ALL KNOW! LOL

When "want" and "need" meet in a dark alley...

...What happens? The dark alley I’m referring to is those dark places in our mind. (It’s true I just love talking about them.) I was at work today and my boss hands me a cheesecake. She is walking out the door to an all day meeting or something and tells me to spread the word and make sure that it gets eaten. I’m looking at this thing and thinking, “Woman, you may as well handed a six pack of beer to an alcoholic!” UGH! This beautiful cheesecake is lined with whip topping (YUMMY! anyone that knows me knows I’m a SUCKER for whip cream) and has a BIG bowl of cherry topping sitting there looking SOOOOOO pretty. Cherry filling in pies, on cheesecake, in turnovers or over ice cream is just about the greatest thing ever invented by man!

So I throw it in the fridge and plan to spread the word at lunch that it is there. About 11 o’clock I pull it out and tell everyone to have at it. Here’s the thing, now I can see that damn thing out of the corner of my eye. It’s sitting on the table and it’s calling my name. I SWEAR I can actually hear it saying, “Mindy! Mindy, you know you want me!!!” That damn cheesecake; someone ought to tell it to shut the hell up!

Anyway, my point: This cheesecake has started an internal debate in me. It is true that I do not “need” a piece of cheesecake but, damn it, I sure do “want” one. So here they are: want and need… going at it in my head…. Who will win?

Well, yesterday is was WANT but today I’m thinking NEED is taking the lead on this one. You see for every realization or hurdle that is over come there is one more standing in front of me. Having an “ah-ha” moment, about rationalization of poor choices getting me here, does not mean that I won’t have to face those same choices every day. Let’s face it. Temptation is out there and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Right now I still feel week when it comes to tempting yummy food. I have to really fight to make the “good choice” and some days I just don’t have a fight in me. In an effort to make it easier on me I’ve decided I’m going to make a “want list” to use when these little situations come up. This list will consist of all of the things that I REALLY want in/from life. For instance: I want to reach my 150 lb. weight loss goal. I want to take first in this competition and win some money. I want to complete my ½ marathon in 3 hours or less. I want to be a good example of health and fitness for my daughter. I WANT TO LOOK SMOKIN HOT IN A BATHING SUIT. (I’ve got a great hour glass figure so ditch some of this fat and I’m there!) Sure I can probably get there by sneaking in little pieces of cheesecake here and there but I’LL GET THERE SOONER IF I DON’T!

Every time I choose what I really want for me and my future and ignore that voice in my head, tempting me with the simple pleasures of the moment, I believe it will get easier. This is a lifestyle change I’m making. I’m not slinging HCG or having things stapled. I’m not fad dieting in an effort to rush into being skinny. I’m changing the way I think, act and live. I’m changing the way those temptations affect me and when I reach my goal I’ll be able to stay there because I’ll have actually produced change in my life that will stick with me and my family, FOREVER.

Now THAT is tempting!

As a special treat I thought I'd add this to my blog. I got this in an email today and I thought I would wet my pants I laughed SO HARD!!! This was SOOOOOO me!

Standing in the Corner

My husband and I were having a conversation the other day about life and I started talking about making excuses. As I was talking I realized what I was saying was somewhat a revelation to me and I’m almost certain some of you at least can relate. It is also a small glimpse at me personally which is good for those that are new to the competition so I thought I’d share. It’s kinda hard to pick a starting point since the words just rolled out of my mouth in the moment all tied up in our conversation. Also, my husband knows my background so I didn’t have to explain all of this to him. I’ll need to give you a little of it so please be patient as I attempt to make this all make sense.

We all make excuses in life. Daily we make small excuses for putting off small things and sometimes we make big excuses for putting off or ignoring the big things. Because we’re human and life is what it is, I truly believe that we each have a life story that is worthy of being a novel. Some more adventurous than others, some scary, some mild and some filled with overflowing happiness… But to each of us our story is unique. Our story is the exception, our story sets us apart in some way and it ultimately helps molds us into who we are.
Here is a bit of mine:
I grew up all of my life in Utah. Looking back I’d say that my family was pretty typical completely full of ups and downs. I’m going to focus on some of the downs here because they relate directly to my point. When I was pre-school aged I was sexually abused. The person that did it told me often that I was a “pretty little girl” and in processing that as a child I was somehow smart enough to realize that I couldn’t help that I was pretty, my beauty was natural and out of my control but, I COULD change the fact I was little. I got it in my head that being “big” would protect me somehow and I started to put on fat as a layer of protection against bad things.
In addition to this trauma I lived in a broken home. My parents married young and when I was about 4 years old ended up divorcing. They did remarry when I was around 9 years old but the years between and even somewhat after were stressful for everyone involved. My sister Angie is absolutely beautiful but always more fit than I. She was a rodeo queen, well dressed with a keen fashion sense and seemingly always full of confidence. As her younger sister, as younger sisters often do, I felt I spent many of my adolescent years living in the shadow of her life’s experience. She was so devoted to what she did and my mom and dad poured into her as much as she poured into it. I always felt as if I couldn’t live up to the level of expectation that she established in our family. I thought that I had to fight for my parent’s attention and approval, but I always seemed to fall short.
In trying to cope with all of that as a child/teenager I established really bad eating habits. I turned to food for comfort or to help or heal every emotion. I would eat when I was hungry but I’d also eat when I was not. I’d eat when was stressed, happy, sad, lonely, scared, frustrated, exhilarated, angry and on and on. There was never a reason not to eat and always a reason to. I spent my life crash dieting, binging and purging, extreme exercising and not exercising at all. It’s a roller coaster of experiences and has ultimately gotten me to where I am today.

Those are just a few of the skeletons in my closet. I'm sure you all have them; those things in your past that are tucked away in the dark recesses of your mind, those experiences you want to pretend don’t exist. But, when life comes at you and you're vulnerable, the doors open, the skeletons take on life and come out to haunt you.

When I get stressed out at work, at home, with my family or money I fling open the closet doors and cling to the past and use those past experiences, combined with the present ones, as excuses for making poor choices all over again.

I eat my donuts and fast food and look backwards. I tell myself that NO ONE can understand what it is like to be me. Look at what I’ve been through… look at all I’ve had to overcome. If people knew what it was like to live my life they’d understand why I am the way I am. This donut, this burger, it makes me feel comfort when I’m hurting. NO ONE can understand what that’s like. I eat one thing after another each time building on the guilt and the pain of the present and past; each bite adding guilt and requiring more justification. I tell myself I corner the market on personal pain and trauma. I rationalize and justify because NO ONE else could ever understand.
I find myself standing in the corner and tell myself over and over again that I’m justified in doing so. You see, as long as I can convince myself that NO ONE understands, then I can keep myself in the corner. I can feel sorry for myself and justify making poor choices over and over again. When people approach me about my weight I can tell my sad childhood experience and explain how I got this way. As long as I can convince myself that I corner the market on my pain and NO ONE understands, then I don’t have to take responsibility for the poor choices I’m making today.
But, here is the reality. What happened to me when I was young was out of my control.
What happens to me now is not.

I CHOOSE to eat that donut, that burger, those fries. There ARE people in the world who can not only understand, but can also relate. There ARE people out there that not only have experienced the same things I did, but had it SO MUCH WORSE. If I admit to myself that those people are out there and that I am not standing alone, then there is no justification; no rationalization. Once I am willing to admit that I am the only one putting myself in that corner and that the pity party I’m throwing myself is exactly that, then the dynamic of my life changes dramatically. I become responsible. I accept the fact that the only way I am going to break the cycle and really change is to admit to myself exactly what I am doing.

I DO NOT corner the market on pain!
I DO control this part of my life!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Loving me does not equal complacent acceptance of bad choices!
Loving me means giving up the excuses of my past and pressing in to the choices of my present!

Weigh In Pics for the New Competition

Here they are dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn!!!

I was exactly correct in thinking I'd post a 10 lb. gain this month. Not upset or disappointed though cause I'm putting muscle on like a tank.

I took those 2 piece pics at the end of July last year when i first started this whole weight loss adventure. i was hoping there would come a day when I'd be glad i had them.

Well, that day is here! Look at how far I've come.

Can't wait for the end of this summer to see how far I'll go.

Hope you're all ready to burn fat and get healthy!

Over 200 lbs. Lost and 13.1 Miles Later

(Jessica, Justin, Me & Karilynn)

Here we are at the finish line of the Utah Valley 1/2 Marathon. We're all smiling because we made it to the end but i must say that it was a challenge and a half!!! Jessica and i walk/ran the entire race together and with out her i would NEVER have made it through. Quite a few weeks ago we had decided to try for a 15 minute mile but ultimately we wanted to finish in 4 hours. I crossed the finish line at 3 hours 31 minutes and 33 seconds. WHOOP!!!

It was an amazing experience. Jessica and i were talking about how it was the most difficult and painful thing we've ever chose to do next to natural child birth. HA HA At one point she said that she did not believe she'd ever do it again. I smiled and said, "I bet it is like child birth. Challenging and painful but after it's all said and done you forget about that part and just remember the awesome feeling at the end so you keep doing it over and over again." Well it turns out i was right!

I'm now training for the Layton 1/2 Marathon, October 9th. My goal for this race is to do it in under 3 hours. I think that would be a marked improvement and I'm almost certain i will do it. Regardless i will be thrilled to finish once again. It is the inaugural year of the Layton 1/2 and i think it will be really great to be a part of that.

This last month I've been spending TONS of time at the gym with my trainer. I've devoted all of my training to lifting weight and building muscle. This means that I've gained weight this month. I would be having a hard time with that fact if it were not for the fact that I'm losing inches, and a lot of them at that! I will likely start our next comp on July 1st with a 10 lb. gain but as you will see from my pics I'm looking HOT HOT HOT!!! Once the competition starts i will be weight training still but hitting the "leaning out" process really hard.

I CAN'T WAIT! I hope that any of you that haven't reached your ultimate goal will join in the fun all over again. I didn't win much in the last competition but i love have the support and getting to know a lot of you.

For those that know you're joining up... I'll be in touch!

My daughter Jade and I at the finish.

My freaking legs are noodles!!!

I had an appointment with Devin today (my trainer) and i was TOTALLY late. I had this crazy crappy morning and showed up to my appointment like 20 minutes late. i hauled butt into the locker room, threw on some clothes and busted into the weight room. With a day like today i was NOT going to miss my session even if i only had 30 minutes to work out.

REMIND ME NEVER EVER EVER TO BE LATE AGAIN!!!

Devin kicked my butt!!! Legs or Abs was the question she asked and i said, "whatever you can do in a half an hour." She said, "Legs!" So we set to work super-setting exercises. Going from abductors to wall sits and back again. One muscle to the next with little rests in between. I worked so hard i didn't know if i was going to be able to walk my wobbly butt down the stairs after we were done. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

DANG do i feel like a million bucks! I love lifting weights SOOOOOOO much! I don't know why i ever for even one second forgot about that. It's freaking amazing. I feel so strong and empowered. I feel like i can kick butt and take name and it really takes my focus off the weight loss and the fat all together. Lifting weights gets me focused on how strong i am. How accomplished i can be and how hard i really can work for something.

I'd encourage ALL of you to get a trainer if you can. Even if it is for 1 week... work hard and dig in and you will be so impressed by yourself that all the self doubt and self loathing just melts away.

Ups and Downs

This month I've spent most of my time soaring on adrenaline. I've felt better than i have in a long time. Pretty much every part of my life has been going GREAT!

and then SPLAT!!! I wake up one morning feeling like i got hit by a Mack Truck and I'm lying flat on my face on the floor. WHERE'S MY ADRENALINE?????

I spent the day moping around feeling sorry for me. Hating work, arguing with my husband, impatient with my daughter. I fought ALL DAY to resist the urge to gorge myself with food and ICE CREAM. When it was time to go to bed i sighed in relief because i had made it through that day. What on earth was going on? I was so worried that I'd lost that edge.

THANK GOD!!! I woke up the next day refreshed and energized. Back in action and feeling great about everything. What happened the day before? i still don't know. But this i do know: I spent the day fighting temptation and perhaps that's exactly what it was all about. I've said it before that the Devil is a sneaky little bastard so maybe he just chose to see if he could get me? But, he didn't!!! I made it through that day of feeling sorry for myself and came out kicking on the other side. I came out a better person for having resisted drowning my sorrow in fat and calories. No set-backs or speed bumps to overcome because of it.

I'm not sure what may have happened if i had given in to the temptation. All i can say is THANK GOD I DIDN'T!!! This month is FLYING by. Hope everyone is doing well!

8 Miles

So I've told you all that I'm training for the Utah Valley Half Marathon (June 12th) so it will come to no surprise I'm sure that i walked 8 miles yesterday. What may surprise you and sure as heck surprised me was that i walked 4 miles straight up a GIANT hill!!!

I'm not really sure what possessed me but many weeks ago when i was planning for this i realized that Jen (you all know her Jennifer B in this comp) lived almost exactly 4 miles from me. At the time i was convinced that it must be much farther away than that but after driving various distances i realize that all distances seem wildly different when you're on foot. (DUH!!!)

ANYWAY... I called Jen up and said, "Hey, if i walk the 4 miles to your house will you meet me at the corner and walk back home with me?" She agreed so i did it. I have to totally thank Jen because I'm not sure i would have made it had i not known that she was waiting for me at the top of that hill. When i finally got about .2 miles from the end and it leveled out i was so exhilarated that i ran the rest of the way!

Jen met me and we headed down the hill. It was AMAZING! That was the farthest that both of us have ever walked in one shot and when we reached my house and realized we had done it, we both felt like a MILLION BUCKS!

I swear i have not felt as energetic, motivated and accomplished as i do right now in my life. I hope that this momentum and attitude carries into the coming weeks.

I hope you're all doing well with the competition. Can't wait to see who takes home the overall. There are so many of you that have done a fantastic job!! KEEP IT UP!

Love the Pain

Well, it's official! I've been training again for a week now and

GOOD GOLLY I LOVE THE PAIN!

In all seriousness i haven't felt this amazing in months! Oh I've been going through the motions and making progress little by little but not right now... right now I'm full steam ahead and picking up speed. :0)

I'm happy to announce that I have officially lost the weight that i gained and I'm on to losing again. it will be hard to post a large enough loss this month to win but I'm sure gonna try.

Good by donuts… hello celery?

Isn’t that about how it seems? It’s so funny how when I decided to buckle down it’s like my body revolts. I start thinking things like “good bye donuts… hello celery” and then all I want to do is eat a freaking donut (or 2). It takes days to break that mental cycle and realize that that’s just crappy thinking!!!
Eating healthy doesn’t require eating food you don’t like OR food that has no flavor. (Sorry to any of you celery lovers out there that are thinking I’m a jerk for saying it has no flavor.)
There are TONS of foods that taste great and are good for you. Bananas for example: Bananas are freaking amazing. I love them. I could eat like 2 every day. How about granola, chicken, black beans, yogurt? How quickly we forget about those awesome flavors. Salmon and asparagus, rice and… YUMMY ORANGES!!!
Food is amazing without all the excess fat and sugar it just takes our bodies and our minds a minute or two to remember that.
I had a bad couple of weeks last month and I feel like I’m still recovering from some bad food choices. I find myself longing for some greasy crappy food and I am reminded of the article that was posted on Moi’s blog a while ago. I am having these internal conversations with myself about how I don't need the excess garbage or junk food but I find myself pulling into the damn drive-thru anyway.... it's like I can feel the shocks pulsing through my body and yet I can't seem to rip myself away. WHAT THE HELL?????

Thanks to God~ I have managed to somehow break that cycle!!! Thank you Jesus! Now i'm back on track and digging in for change.

I hope everyone is having a killer month! See you all at the finish line!

Opportunity

First let me just take a second to wish all you HOT MOMS a very Happy Mother's Day!!!

Now with that out of the way i have an announcement: I'm so excited about this month!
My dad, bless his heart, has afforded me the opportunity of a lifetime. I was talking to him about feeling frustrated... feeling like i was going NO WHERE and that i was struggling with motivation. we had a really great conversation and in the end he agreed to help pay for me to work out with a trainer!

So Saturday i met with her for the first time and i have to say I'm THRILLED!!!! Her name is Devin and she's completely amazing. Not only does she have a rocking body and OBVIOUSLY is in great shape it turns out she's got a 4 month old baby girl at home. DAMN!!! That's what I'm going to look like 4 months after my next kid! What an inspiration!

Anyway, We're going to meet three times a week for a while and then maybe cut back to two. I have to admit I'm a little bit nervous. I've worked out with trainers before and I LOVE IT but I've been hesitant to have my butt kicked to hard because I'm a little scared i won't be able to pick Jade up. LOL! I know it will be worth it though. I told her i really wanted to focus on lots of weight and low reps in an effort to "bulk up". :0) This desire comes from a past experience when i worked with my husband. I had this HUGE HUGH HUGE mental block when it came to "losing weight". Whenever i got it in my heed that weight loss was the goal i inevitably got frustrated and just gave up. My brilliant husband suggested we change up the wording. He said, "Let's make your goal to "GAIN muscle". And what do you know... IT WORKED!!! We focused hard on putting on muscle and taking off fat and I'll be darned if the inches didn't fall off me!

I literally didn't lose to much weight though... all the fat was replaced with muscle so I'm not sure this approach will win me the competition but you can bet your sweet bottom I'll kick some serious but in inch loss!!!!

Wish me luck!

Weigh In May Day

OK everyone...

here is the damage...

(I'LL POST FULL PICS TOMORROW OR SOMETHING)

Not severe but not great either.

I DO have GREAT news...

in case you all forgot

(cause I know i forgot for a second)

I am a freaking ROCK STAR!!!!

YEP That's right! A rock star!

So it's a new month and my spirit is renewed!

I'm totally STOKED for May.

Spring is here and i'm so ready for it!

In all my UGH i'm such a BLAH this month i've been slacking on blogging so i'm

SOOOO SORRY for that~

I'll be better this month i promise!

Thanks to all of your support and comments.

I may have been rolling my eyes

and thinking blah blah blah

but it was getting in my thoughts and into my heart and my mind

and it was all that love and support

that helped keep me from drowning this month.

So again

THANK YOU!!!

I wanted to add these pics now that i got them uploaded... I'm happy tos ee that i didn't do much damage this month! WHEW!!!! No change or not much is better than making a big old mess of everything. Can't wait for June's pics.

Congrats to all the winners!!! GO KIM!!!

Reflection

Well, this month has been incredibly disappointing, exciting, challenging, boring, frustrating, enlightening, exhausting and a whole bunch of other emotions and experiences.
I will end this month with a gain and although for a while I thought of all the ways I could try to kill myself to undo what I had done but in the end I realized that, that is not why I’m here. I’M HERE TO CHANGE MY LIFE!!! I’m not here just to crash diet or win a competition. I am not proud of myself for this month but instead of beating myself up about it I’m going to use it as a learning experience. I know the reasons I’ve gained this month. I could list them one by one and analyst and criticize myself but I don’t think it would do me any good at this point.
This is the first month since July of last year that I have not posted a loss.
So what have I learned by it… I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT AGAIN!!!!
Until I’m at my goal weight and have some healthy weight fluctuation I will steadily continue to lose weight.
I did just want to mention one thing. While reflecting about this month and all that has happened one big thing stuck out in my mind; 3 Sundays in a row I didn’t make it to church. My husband, child and myself took turns being sick and subsequently I was at home a lot. Out of everything that I did wrong, everything that made this month a challenge I really believe that was the part that had the greatest effect on me. Going to church is not a requirement or a chore. It’s a blessing… soaking in Gods present and being fed by his word is the VERY best thing I can do for my health. Out of it all… that realization makes this month WELL WORTH IT!
Be blessed!

Confession

Not only have I not lost any weight this month…

I'VE GAINED!

So what went wrong?

Well I can’t be sure but I think it had something to do with the donuts (don’t barf Karilynn)… and coffee. There may have been some fast food in there as well! UGH!

Bottom line: my nutrition has been less than good. Hell, truth be told it has been down right atrocious! The worst part is that when I wasn’t eating crap I wasn’t eating at all so that just added to the UGH.

No wonder I’m sick.

The only “GOOD” thing I’ve got going is the fact I’ve been training for my half marathon I’m sure if it weren’t for that I’d have been TOTALLY SCREWED!!!

So, what’s the plan?

I have NO IDEA!

I’m feeling really, really, really, unmotivated right now. I don’t know what happened it’s like something just shut off and I’ve got nothing pushing me forward. I was getting myself all psyched up for something new but I haven’t been able to find that thing… you know… the “adrenaline rush”! You know the one you get when you start something new. That drive, that thrill that pushes you through like & when nothing else can or will.

I lost it.

I think I need help.

News Flash

An

"All You Can Eat Salad Bar"

is not a

"healthy choice"

If you ACTUALLY eat

ALL YOU CAN!!!

Just thought I'd let ya know!

Focus

Well, now that i've pissed away almost a week, with poor food choices and little to no exercise, i thought i should kick it into high gear! in addition to not paying attention to my food choices (one day i ate nothing but banana muffins and drank coffee!!! like 20 muffins and 3 pots of coffee!!! EEK!!! What was i thinking???) i've been letting a messed up ankle get in my way. Everyday i had the best of intention of this or that but SPLAT i sure fell short of the goal.

So here i am to revamp! I realize how much getting things written down helps me to prioritize. Thanks again Jaqui for the AWESOME tip of writing down six things i must get done the next day. if it weren't for that i'd have seriously accomplished NOTHING this entire week!



So here is my focus: STRENGTHS!!!

I've decided to narrow it down to a few things i'm really great at.

What are they?

Eating A LOT!

Drinking water!

Walking!

Building muscle!

So here is the plan. I have currently decided to join Karilynn, Jessica and Brandon in completing the Utah Valley Half Marathon, on June 12th! Up until a few weeks ago i had no idea that there were people out there that actually WALKED half and full marathons! did you know that? well all this time i've been pushing myself to RUN and feeling like big fat failure because i SUCK AT IT! never knowing all the while that running isn't the goal....

FINISHING IT IS!!! So, I had a chance to buy into the sold out 1/2 marathon and i jumped on it.

all that to say this:

i'm training to walk/run a 1/2 marathon!

I found this great schedule online that i'm following and it's going GREAT so far. my ultimate goal is a 15 minute mile. anyone that finishes in under 4 hours gets the cool medal and all... so i'm building myself in some wiggle room. it just happens that that is also Jessica's goal so we're going to do it together.

So i've always fought to lose weight and focusing on that in the past has been a real source of frustration. i've found that when my focus is on gaining muscle my results are significant inch loss and fat loss. this sometimes means that my scale weight doesn't move much because i'm putting on muscle but the visual effects are FANTASTIC!!! Since i'm needing a little change up in my game this is what i've decided to do. This means strength training at least 3 days per week. I got a schedule of a bunch of classes available at work and i'm staring to attend them to find one that i

LOVE LOVE LOVE!

So although my choices in food have been poor it is even worse that i have not been eating nearly enough food. for me this is VERY BAD. my body is an amazing fat storing machine and the second i stop eating enough it kicks into high gear "STARVATION MODE". Suddenly i'm storing some part of EVERYTHING i'm eating... both good and bad. which by the way anyone that is above like 40% body fat (can't remember exact number) does. So my goal is to EAT A LOT but make sure that it's all good food. i stocked the fridge with apples and bananas, apple sauce and oats and all kinds of other healthy snacky food.

And with the water... well that's easy. i'm just filling my giant 55+ oz mug at least twice per day and then hooking it up at home by filling my 32 oz mug also twice (maybe 3 times).

I hope you're all doing really well. i had the opportunity at work the other day (in a training class) to read all of your blogs... in fact some of them i read 3-4 blogs back. unfortunately i didn't have comment capability. :0( but it was nice to catch up on all that's going on!

My best to you all!!!