The good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth…

Last you heard I was gearing up for a major push in August. I lined myself up to challenge a friend who was crazy enough to do the HCG diet. Well, needless to say, I fell WAY SHORT of the goal!

Without going into too much detail I’ve had some serious speed bumps in my life as of late. Things at home have been rocky to say the least and I felt as if I’ve been spinning out of control. Part of the reason for shooting for the big challenge was an attempt to get focused and stay that way. It didn’t work.

Rather than spending the month kicking my health and fitness into high gear I spent the month drinking, smoking, not drinking water, drinking coffee like it was water and eating like crap or even worse… not eating at all. For me not eating is the worst thing I can do to my body when it comes to weight loss. My metabolism, which usually runs like a Mack truck, flips into starvation mode with such ease that I pack on the fat like a polar bear preparing for the winter. I know this about myself… it isn’t news. Yet when the going got tough I gave up on me.

I started out ok. Digging in trying to stay on top... But then I stopped. For a few weeks I just ignored the fact that I was letting the month slip away with no regard to my health or well being. I found every opportunity and excuse to party and make bad choices all in a failed attempt to control something. I smoked because no one could stop me from doing it; I ate like shit because I was kidding myself that ‘I chose’ what I put in my mouth. I acted like a stupid, rebellious teenager. It was as I sat barfing my guts out in the bushes outside a house party this realization hit me like a freight train: I’m 30 years old! I have a daughter and a husband. I don’t want to go backwards!

Once I allowed myself consciously to realize what I was doing I spent a few days trying to make sense of it. I made lists of demands for myself, my husband and others around me. I lined up my life like a well prepared outline and then tried to force it into some kind of order. When that didn’t work I planned exit strategies that would get me to the end as quickly as possible, all of which were negative and geared entirely out of self destruction. Preparing myself mentally and physically to end my marriage, my position in my church, my place in my family… my everything!

Then suddenly………………….. It hit me………… WTF am I doing?

Why is it that when the shit hits the fan the ease and comfort of slipping into old patterns/habits jumps back into focus and feels like the best possible solution? I turned to some friends and family but I only gave them half truths and part of the story. Without all of the details outlined in my head they had no idea how to help. My husband, scared and completely confused, stood by me and tried to be supportive and understanding but again without all of the information he was at a loss.

I had a doctor’s appointment to get tested for exercise induced asthma (which it turns out I do have) and in a moment of weakness or brilliance or maybe both, I caved and spilled my guts to him. He made arrangements for me to see a counselor the following day and THANK GOD because I finally feel like I’m pulling myself back together again.

In my first few appointments with him my counselor just let me rattle on and on. Rather than focusing on my husband, family or whatever I decided the session would be entirely about me. I laid it all out there; the good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth! I told him again and again, “I’m going flipping crazy! I need help!” He kept asking me why I was crazy. I’d tell him this scenario or that and with each end he’d say, “So, why do you think that’s crazy?” I wanted to yell or scream WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME? WHY THE HELL ELSE DO YOU THINK I’M HERE? I even entertained the idea of punching him in the face a time or two. But over and over he’d ask, what I was thinking and why I thought I was crazy or why I thought what I was thinking was crazy. Anyway, I was almost certain that by the end of the sessions I’d be crazy for sure.


Then the other day, he sat forward in his chair and said, “Now, do you want to know what I think?” I was like YES!!! THANK YOU!!! And he told me, “Everything you just said is complete and total bull shit!” I almost fell out of my chair. First, how could a cute little old man use such language (lol) and second… how dare he? I was floored. So much so in fact, that I shut up, sat back and at a complete loss of words opened myself up to hear what he had to say. He cut me to the quick in an instant and it was exactly what I needed him to do. He then used my silence as an opportunity to give me some insight into everything I had just said.

He told me I was a powerful, motivated, hard working, independent woman. I was fully capable of taking charge of my life and my situation. My executive mind decided that something in my life needed to change and in an effort to force the situation I made a list of “tangible things” that I could influence. The biggest mistake I made was focusing on all of the really negative and self-destructive tangible things for me. Here’s the problem with that and the reason I was going crazy; the reason I was completely bonkers in my head.

There was nothing wrong with my life, my circumstances or my tangible existence. What really had me messed up was that my heart was broken! With all that was happening I was an emotional wreck but rather than face that reality, rather than opening up my heart and being transparent about the whole thing I shut it down. Paralyzed by fear and the thought of hurting even more, I closed myself off to everyone and everything that was good in my life and ran to all of the things that were bad. I participated in a bunch of unhealthy activity while avoiding the healthy all together. I avoided those people I knew could reach into me and force the doors of my heart open. Even worse I ripped to shreds the ones who had the misfortune of being in my presence and making the attempt. (Sorry to ALL of you!)


I’ve been hiding from my future because I was hurt and afraid. I was focusing on the negative tangible aspects of my life because I was punishing myself for being too cowardly to face the truth. I’m sure it is only by the grace of God that I didn’t do something completely insane.
So there you go. Without to many details or dragging anyone under the bus, this is me being transparent. That’s where I’ve been and where I am now. I’m a wreck. But, I’m back. I come with no great promises for success or dedications or motivation. No crazy challenges in tow or deep commitment to anyone other than myself.

I’m back. That’s a start!