SO I was talking to Karilynn the other day about my month. Thank heaven I only gained .2 lbs. this month. The truth is though that I actually gained like somewhere between 7 and 10 and then lost it again! YIKES! Still, at least I pulled my head out enough to get it back down before weigh in.
So this is where I am. I am about 2 lbs up from my lowest weight in this competition. That means I've got to lose those 2 lbs. plus more to even start getting credit for the work I do. I want to say THIS IS MY MONTH... but who the hell am I kidding? I've totally stopped trying.
I have a list of reasons that I didn't do well this month... stress, work, moving, blah blah blah... the truth is. I'm sure I could weave a tail of struggles and distress and many of you would say... at least you are maintaining... it could have been worse. That may be true but want to know what's even more true than that?!?!?!?!?!
I STOPPED TRYING!!!
For every lame ass excuse I've got for not doing well I've got an equally or greater reason for doing better. For every poor choice I made when I ate, I gave up a good one. For every hour I sat on the couch instead of running on the treadmill, for every drink I had, cigarette I smoked, stupid piece of crappy food I put in my mouth; I have an hour that I could have been cooking good food, walking with my daughter, losing some stinking weight and inches!
SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?!
I told Karilynn the other day that I'm looking for that "THING". You know that elusive "THING" that give your motivation to do the "HEALTHY" deal. I realized yesterday; that "thing" is like falling in love. It’s the adrenaline rush you get when you first start something. It’s that heart pounding, mind numbing feeling that comes with the new, the chemical reaction in your brain... That shiver that shoots up your spine when you kiss someone for the first time. It’s the rush of building muscle and running when you haven't done it for years.
But just like the rush of lust when you're falling in love that stupid fat-losing adrenaline rush fades.
After the twittery-goo fades in a relationship you're left standing next to a person. Someone who is not you and often not who you thought they were when your vision was blinded by the haze of lovey-dovey smoke. You stop and realize that this person is not perfect and that's when the work begins because you have a decision to make. You choose to stay there, in love, or move on to the next "high".
The same is true with this, when you're adrenaline rush fades from the beginning of the "fat loss competition" and you're left standing there with a weight in your hand, it’s like waking up. Sometimes, it's a little like a nightmare and you wonder how the HELL you'd gotten there. It’s a little painful and surprising too I think; At least it was for me.
Here's my point, ultimately we choose. We choose to make a life with that person, we chose to stay in love and pray that that rush comes back to us one day. We chose to pick up another weight the next day and do it all over again. And sometimes we choose not to! That was me these last few months. I looked at the weight and thought, why should I even bother?
There's nothing in this for me.
There's no rush, no high...
No "THING".
So today, I'm making a choice. I'm going to STOP looking for the high. I'm going to pick up that weight and get my ass on a treadmill. The falling in love is over in this competition... For me, NOW, it's time to get some work done!
So? What's your choice?
So this is where I am. I am about 2 lbs up from my lowest weight in this competition. That means I've got to lose those 2 lbs. plus more to even start getting credit for the work I do. I want to say THIS IS MY MONTH... but who the hell am I kidding? I've totally stopped trying.
I have a list of reasons that I didn't do well this month... stress, work, moving, blah blah blah... the truth is. I'm sure I could weave a tail of struggles and distress and many of you would say... at least you are maintaining... it could have been worse. That may be true but want to know what's even more true than that?!?!?!?!?!
I STOPPED TRYING!!!
For every lame ass excuse I've got for not doing well I've got an equally or greater reason for doing better. For every poor choice I made when I ate, I gave up a good one. For every hour I sat on the couch instead of running on the treadmill, for every drink I had, cigarette I smoked, stupid piece of crappy food I put in my mouth; I have an hour that I could have been cooking good food, walking with my daughter, losing some stinking weight and inches!
SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?!
I told Karilynn the other day that I'm looking for that "THING". You know that elusive "THING" that give your motivation to do the "HEALTHY" deal. I realized yesterday; that "thing" is like falling in love. It’s the adrenaline rush you get when you first start something. It’s that heart pounding, mind numbing feeling that comes with the new, the chemical reaction in your brain... That shiver that shoots up your spine when you kiss someone for the first time. It’s the rush of building muscle and running when you haven't done it for years.
But just like the rush of lust when you're falling in love that stupid fat-losing adrenaline rush fades.
After the twittery-goo fades in a relationship you're left standing next to a person. Someone who is not you and often not who you thought they were when your vision was blinded by the haze of lovey-dovey smoke. You stop and realize that this person is not perfect and that's when the work begins because you have a decision to make. You choose to stay there, in love, or move on to the next "high".
The same is true with this, when you're adrenaline rush fades from the beginning of the "fat loss competition" and you're left standing there with a weight in your hand, it’s like waking up. Sometimes, it's a little like a nightmare and you wonder how the HELL you'd gotten there. It’s a little painful and surprising too I think; At least it was for me.
Here's my point, ultimately we choose. We choose to make a life with that person, we chose to stay in love and pray that that rush comes back to us one day. We chose to pick up another weight the next day and do it all over again. And sometimes we choose not to! That was me these last few months. I looked at the weight and thought, why should I even bother?
There's nothing in this for me.
There's no rush, no high...
No "THING".
So today, I'm making a choice. I'm going to STOP looking for the high. I'm going to pick up that weight and get my ass on a treadmill. The falling in love is over in this competition... For me, NOW, it's time to get some work done!
So? What's your choice?
5 comments:
That is the cheer I need to hear. I hope it rings with you all month. You go girl.
strange how similar my post to this was today! I'm right there with you, lets do this, for real!
I think this was a great way of putting it. I've been sooooo depressed the past few months between failing at baby making and failing at losing weight that I too feel like I'm looking for that "Thing".
I've even gotten to the point where I feel insecure about my marriage and I've never had to feel that before in my relationship with D. He's also noticed that I tend to say "I love you" a lot as if I'm trying to convince myself of something.
I know who I want to be. I know what woman I have inside of me... I know how to get there. It's just a matter of getting OFF MY A$$
There is no thing. There isn't. You do it because you do it. The 'high' of exercise wears off and the next day you still don't want to do it. It is like love though, the excitment of it comes and goes and you need to work at it.
Keep at it. You can so kick ass.
I totally understand you on this. I was actually just talking to a great friend who said that she was frustrated about weight loss. I simply summed up what you wrote, that if you are waiting for a "high" it may never come. And that you need to JUST do it.
Thanks for putting into words what I was thinking and feeling.
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