The things I control…

…or so I thought. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I was saying about addiction. I got some really great advice so I’ve put in place a few things like an accountability partner and a food journal. I’ve also decided to balance my checkbook and be more diligent about where my money is… if I don’t have money I can’t buy shit to eat right? Well I was thinking about so much and wondering where this behavior has come from. It’s not just about eating the food…it’s about buying the food or getting the food. I’ve been hashing over it and this is what I’ve come up with. You’ll have to excuse me if this is long winded and disjointed.

When I was younger my life was a little crazy. I could go on and on about the ups and down but the reality is, is it was a pretty great life. Still I think we all think that our lives are rough or crazy or troublesome at times. Most of that, I think, is just normality of being a human living on this planet. As a child I often felt like things in my life were out of my control. At some point when life felt very out of control I got it in my head that there was one thing I could control and that was FOOD! I honestly remember thinking to myself that this was the ONE THING that no one could make me or prevent me from doing. When I was old enough to buy food I would, fast food, junk food, even healthy food. I decided, I chose, I paid for it and I did what I wanted when I wanted. I could go to a drive through and get anything I’d like at any time of day or night and if I wanted NO ONE would know except for me.

I got a rush or a high from it. I remember once when I got in a wreck. I had a bag of licorice in the glove box and on impact it went flying out onto the floor. Although I was hurt and needed to go to the hospital I remember crawling across the seat of my truck to gather up the licorice and hid my stash back in the glove box. I remember thinking that my dad would probably come pick up my truck and that my little secret could not be laying scattered across the floor. I remember times of having boxes of chocolate under the seat of my car so that I could sneak one every time I went somewhere alone… my little secret treat. This is how I was when I was a smoker as well. I smoked for YEARS and YEARS and for most of them people didn’t know (unless I wanted them to) I was good at sneaking, at hiding and smoking. It was something that no one could make me or prevent me from doing. I decided… do you notice a pattern.
All of that to say this: For years I felt like food was the one thing that I controlled. The one thing that I decided and no one could affect or change. It was all about me, my body, my money, my thing. I CONTROLLED it!

So here is the question: If I’m so in control then why can I not drive past a coffee shop without a mental fight to not stop and buy something EVEN IF IT DOESN’T SOUND GOOD! Why do I have extreme cravings everyday that plague me and WHY OH WHY can I not pass them up? It’s because I don’t control this, I never have! This addiction, these addictions have always controlled me. I have been out of control for years and I didn’t even know it.
Well, maybe I knew it all along but didn’t want to admit it. My little secret… maybe if I don’t say it out loud then no one will know? So here I am 300+ lbs. Do you think anyone knows? Do you think anyone noticed? LOL

So here is what I know today: MY CHOICE, MY DECISION, MY BODY, and MY THING! This addiction will control me no more!!! Thanks to each of you for your support and your good advice. Thanks to my accountability partner for keeping me on track. Thanks to me for getting real and working through all of this. My goal in this competition is not just to beat all of you and win a bunch of money. I’m using this as a tool to weed out the problems that got me here and I’m going to pull them up at the root!

By summer time I will have a whole new life, a whole new garden where the weeds of my past have been thinned out along with me!