The things I control…

…or so I thought. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I was saying about addiction. I got some really great advice so I’ve put in place a few things like an accountability partner and a food journal. I’ve also decided to balance my checkbook and be more diligent about where my money is… if I don’t have money I can’t buy shit to eat right? Well I was thinking about so much and wondering where this behavior has come from. It’s not just about eating the food…it’s about buying the food or getting the food. I’ve been hashing over it and this is what I’ve come up with. You’ll have to excuse me if this is long winded and disjointed.

When I was younger my life was a little crazy. I could go on and on about the ups and down but the reality is, is it was a pretty great life. Still I think we all think that our lives are rough or crazy or troublesome at times. Most of that, I think, is just normality of being a human living on this planet. As a child I often felt like things in my life were out of my control. At some point when life felt very out of control I got it in my head that there was one thing I could control and that was FOOD! I honestly remember thinking to myself that this was the ONE THING that no one could make me or prevent me from doing. When I was old enough to buy food I would, fast food, junk food, even healthy food. I decided, I chose, I paid for it and I did what I wanted when I wanted. I could go to a drive through and get anything I’d like at any time of day or night and if I wanted NO ONE would know except for me.

I got a rush or a high from it. I remember once when I got in a wreck. I had a bag of licorice in the glove box and on impact it went flying out onto the floor. Although I was hurt and needed to go to the hospital I remember crawling across the seat of my truck to gather up the licorice and hid my stash back in the glove box. I remember thinking that my dad would probably come pick up my truck and that my little secret could not be laying scattered across the floor. I remember times of having boxes of chocolate under the seat of my car so that I could sneak one every time I went somewhere alone… my little secret treat. This is how I was when I was a smoker as well. I smoked for YEARS and YEARS and for most of them people didn’t know (unless I wanted them to) I was good at sneaking, at hiding and smoking. It was something that no one could make me or prevent me from doing. I decided… do you notice a pattern.
All of that to say this: For years I felt like food was the one thing that I controlled. The one thing that I decided and no one could affect or change. It was all about me, my body, my money, my thing. I CONTROLLED it!

So here is the question: If I’m so in control then why can I not drive past a coffee shop without a mental fight to not stop and buy something EVEN IF IT DOESN’T SOUND GOOD! Why do I have extreme cravings everyday that plague me and WHY OH WHY can I not pass them up? It’s because I don’t control this, I never have! This addiction, these addictions have always controlled me. I have been out of control for years and I didn’t even know it.
Well, maybe I knew it all along but didn’t want to admit it. My little secret… maybe if I don’t say it out loud then no one will know? So here I am 300+ lbs. Do you think anyone knows? Do you think anyone noticed? LOL

So here is what I know today: MY CHOICE, MY DECISION, MY BODY, and MY THING! This addiction will control me no more!!! Thanks to each of you for your support and your good advice. Thanks to my accountability partner for keeping me on track. Thanks to me for getting real and working through all of this. My goal in this competition is not just to beat all of you and win a bunch of money. I’m using this as a tool to weed out the problems that got me here and I’m going to pull them up at the root!

By summer time I will have a whole new life, a whole new garden where the weeds of my past have been thinned out along with me!

I Love Water

I am in agreement that the water challenge is EXCELLENT!

Go Karilynn. I love the idea of a mini challenge to keep you on your toes. :0) This weeks challenge will be a PIECE of CAKE for me!!! One thing I've done well for years is drink water. If any of you can do the math I need to drink at least 150 oz of PURE water each day and it truly is NO PROBLEM for me.

Once you start to drink water you body will crave it and soon I PROMISE you will want it more than even SODA and the idea of spoiling something so wonderful with a packet of some flavored crappy drink will make you cringe in disgust. So, good luck to all of you this week... Eat, DRINK, and be merry. Oh and by the way, once your body gets used to that amount of water it will start to actually utilize most of it and the urgency to run to the bathroom every 30 minutes will stop. Trust me!

The love of food and money...

Warning: I’m VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY tired.

During this competition I have become aware of my love of not just food but of spending money on food. I have what I have lovingly coined “extreme cravings” and I’m not sure what to do with them. My extreme cravings are INSANE and they go something like this… I have something yummy to eat, this something can be good or bad, a banana for instance or a 3 chocolate chunk ice cream Sunday. That yummy thing will get not only in my mouth but in my head. Soon I’m thinking about it all the time and no matter where I am or what I’m doing I have to have it. So here is where it gets bad. Often I will physically get sick of eating that thing. Suddenly the chocolate tastes like cardboard or the banana like soggy washcloth, but I am mentally unable to stop myself from eating it. I went through a phase where it was a sausage egg and cheese croissant from Burger King. I think I ate one 5 days a week for like a month. Do you know how many calories that is? Do you know how much money that is as well? Honestly I’ve never added it up because I know I would be sick at the thought but none the less there it is. I would be driving to work and suddenly although the croissant didn’t taste good to me at all I would still pull in EVERY DAY and order one. On my day off I would look for reasons to leave my house so that I could get one. Often I would lie to my husband or make up errands I needed to do just to get my “fix”. Sometimes I just told the truth and he would question why I thought I needed it and although his intentions were genuine and sincere and not mean at all his words would sting like a whip and I thought it was just easier to lie the next time. I’ve honestly over drawn my checking account and paid an $18.00 fee for something I got at McDonalds (probably coffee cause I love their lattes). The reason I go to McDonalds is because the coffee is good and cheep… but DUH!!! When you’re tacking on a fee of that size I could have gone to Starbucks like 3 times.

Anyway, I digress; here is my point or my thoughts or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I need my “fix”. Sometimes I feel like I go from addiction to addiction never really understanding what the underlying factor is. I’ve always had this feeling like food was the one thing I thought I could control. I used to think that when things were bad in life only I could decide what I put in my mouth. I thought, “This is my choice and I can do whatever I want.” NO ONE could make me eat or not eat anything that I wanted. But I realize that that is just crap and I’m obviously out of control! So EEK what do I do now? How do you break an addictive cycle that you’ve carried with you for at least 20 years? I need to get to the root of the issue so I can rip it out and throw down some weed killer but I’m not sure where to start.

Weigh In Pics and stuff...

I haven’t had much time to get this pic up but I wanted to before to much time passed. I’m mildly embarrassed to post this weight because I gained like 3 lbs. UGH! However in my defense weigh in lands on a not so great time of the month for me and I’m blaming that… SO HA. Still I know it will come right back off and I’m not going to stress about it to much. I did have to have a long conversation with Kari though about whether I should be humiliated or just post it and move on. She basically said I should suck it up and get my butt moving. So here I am. This week has been great. NOT PERFECT but great! I’ve been doing some exercise every day even when it’s been hard. I pulled out an old exercise video one night because I didn’t have many options and my baby did not want me to set her down. So there I was all dressed up in Gym gear doing cardio in my living room with my baby in my arms. One of the biggest challenges was trying not to shake her up like a milk shake while I jogged in place and attempted jumping jacks… LOL! Wish you all could have seen it. It was pretty funny. I think Jade thought it was a really fun game and she had a blast. There were so many times when I thought it was just a pain in the butt and I wanted to just shut it off and sit down with a beer and watch TV but I didn’t! So GO ME! :0) I hope all of you are fired up and working hard. More later…

Weigh Day...

...is here at last. so much to say but my little one is demanding all my attention. i need to update my blog list so if your not up there be patient you soon will be. i just want to say i'm totally excited. i can't wait for summer. i'll post again soon till then happy days and healthy choices!

I made it through December!!!

I made it!!! My loss for this month was 1.2 pounds and I’m proud as punch!!! LOL. I have had some amazing and awesome breakthroughs in my attitude this month to coincide with my loss. At previous points in my life I would have been disappointed that the loss was so small. In fact last month I was! I knew I could have done better and in a sense was beating myself up for not doing as well as I “should” have. What I failed to recognize is the fact that previous to this I would be flying through the holidays will little to NO regard to what I was shoveling in my mouth. I made poor choices this month but the difference is that I was conscious of every one of them. I weighed the choice before I made it and there were times I said no. No to sugar, no to sweets and no to seconds!!! And look at this… I have made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas with a 4 pound loss! That’s a freaking awesome accomplishment for me and I’m very proud of myself.
I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas holiday and I hope that God makes 2010 the best year of your lives.