Bet you thought i forgot to blog huh? I didn't, just didn't post it.
I'll add the original content to my new blog today.

Layton Half Marathon

I did it!!!
Saturday was the Layton half Marathon and I actually did it!!!

Here are some of my thoughts and experiences along the way:

Mile 1: "Sweet lovin... Only one mile done!?!?!?!?! UGH! Why the heck did I even show up for this?"

Mile 2: I pulled over to fix my socks... a couple of girls, Melissa and Alicia, thought something was wrong and stopped to check on me. I walked with them for a mile.

Mile 3: "Ladies, I need to kick this in gear. Catch up with me." :0) and I started to run in intervals.

Mile 4: "Holy shit! Mile 4? Really? I've still got 9 miles to go. My feet are hurting, I'm bored and 13.1 miles is to much time to be in my own head!" ......
Then I started doing the math. This 1/2 was an out and back course. We went out 6.55 miles, turned around and came back in. I was 4 miles out and there was nothing to do but turn around. I realized I was almost half way there. "May as well just keep going."

Mile 5: Alicia decided to ditch Melissa and she caught up with me. She was fantastic. Very upbeat and fun to chat with. The farthest distance she had ever walked up to this day was 4 miles. I thought she must be crazy but I knew she's make it through. The time with her passed quickly and it was fun to have someone to push to the half way point with.

Mile 7: Melissa hooked back up with Alicia and her pace was not quite as quick as ours so Alicia slowed to walk with her. I again said good bye and started running my intervals.

Mile 8: (or somewhere around there) I heard someone shout my name from behind me, "MINDY MILLER!!!" I looked over my shoulder to see Devin, my trainer, running up behind me. She was running the full marathon. It was awesome to see her. It inspired me to run a little farther. :0)

Mile 9: "I CAN NOT do this! What the hell was I thinking? I'll never make it"... My feet at this point were aching. I have this GIANT blister developing on the ball of my foot right under my toe. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN??? It was getting cold and the worst part of all, I was stuck in my head again. UGH!

Mile 9.5: Some lady on the side of the road carrying a baby started walking with me. She said she could tell I was struggling and asked if she could walk with me a while. She was an older gal and there to support her two daughters that were walk/running the race as well. I figured out who they were and told her they were behind me. She said she was going to walk to her car and drive to try and find them. She walked with me for over half a mile. Chatting and smiling and super encouraging. She had lost 45 pounds training to run a half marathon. We talked a bit about our weight loss journeys. She was walking pretty quickly and pushed me through that portion of the race. It was really amazing! I wish she could have walked with me to the end... I wish I knew her name cause I'd send her a thank you note or something.

Mile 10: A 16 year old kid who was running his first full marathon stopped running. He was totally fatigued, cramping and completely uncertain if he would make it. We started chatting for a bit. At first he kept pace with me but soon began to fall back and I wasn't walking that fast. I looked over my shoulder and said, "Hey, I know you've gone like 3 times farther than me at this point. But if my fat butt can keep up this pace you sure as heck can too! :D And I gave him a big cheesy smile. He picked up his pace and in about a quarter of a mile he started running again. His dad, a 6 time marathon runner, winked at me and said thank you. He yelled, "We'll see you at the finish line." I waved, "You'll be waiting for a while! Don't forget, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!"

Mile 11.5: Final aid station. "THIS FREAKING SUCKS!!!!" At this point it was a "gradual" incline to the finish line. "GRADUAL INCLINE MY ASS!!!" Obviously the person that mapped this route has never actually done a marathon. "I freaking hate that person"

Mile 12: At this point EVERYTHING hurts. I am completely out of all reasons to go on. I know there is nothing to do but keep walking. There was no one at the finish line to meet me. No one to come and pick me up. No options but to keep walking. So, I started praying. I said something like, "Jesus, you've got to help me through this. Cause I don't think I can do this alone." Then I started to cry. Not just small tears slowly dripping down my face or anything like that. The loud sobbing, gasping cry that comes when you're really, really broken. In that moment that I asked God for help I thought to myself, "Why would he help me? I've done NOTHING for him lately." But, you know what, that is not what made me cry. It was was the realization, in that moment, that it didn't matter that I had done nothing for Him. I didn't have to earn his love. He'd help me simply because he loves me. Had I forgotten that these last few months? I need to get out of my head.

I pulled myself together and kept walking.

Mile 12.75: I can see the finish line. It's SOOOOO close but SOOOO far away still. Every step is agony. I really just want to sit down. There was no adrenaline rush this time. No big finish. Only the desire to sit down. I kept walking.

The Finish Line: I didn't even attempt to run over the finish line this time. I looked around at the crowd expecting NO ONE to be there to cheer me on. They announced my name and I gave two big thumbs up. Then to my left I heard someone shout my name and looked up. There was the 16 year old and his dad. They had ACTUALLY waited at the finish line to cheer me on. Then, from the other side, again I heard my name. There was the mother that had walked with me. They were all clapping and cheering and shouting my name.

HOLY crap...I totally didn't expect that!
Here come the tears again!

Finally, I crossed the finish line and they put the metal over my head. I must have looked like hell, or maybe it was the tears, cause someone from the medic tent rushed up to me to see if I was OK. I just laughed. "I'm doing great now!" From be hind me I heard Alicia's name. I turned around to watch her cross the finish line and cheered her through. She said she had tried to catch up with me but couldn't pull it off. We stood there together high fiving each other and cheering on the other runners. About 5 minutes later Melissa crossed the finish line too.

I hobbled to my car and drove home. I know, anti-climatic huh? Still, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself for pulling it off. My official time was 3 hours 52 minutes. That's 21 minutes longer than my last race (and not as good as i thought when I finished) but under my 4 hour mark. Last time I had Jessica right there with me to push me through. Karilynn was there for the last mile of the race. My mom, sister, husband and daughter were there to cheer me over the finish line. This time, it was just me.

I'm WAY proud of myself for for showing up and even more proud for finishing. I had a thousand reasons to not even show up that day. But, as a smart woman once said, make a list of all the "reasons" you can't do something; then throw them away cause they're all just excuses anyway!!

If you wanna do it. You just have to do it!

I stopped trying...

SO I was talking to Karilynn the other day about my month. Thank heaven I only gained .2 lbs. this month. The truth is though that I actually gained like somewhere between 7 and 10 and then lost it again! YIKES! Still, at least I pulled my head out enough to get it back down before weigh in.

So this is where I am. I am about 2 lbs up from my lowest weight in this competition. That means I've got to lose those 2 lbs. plus more to even start getting credit for the work I do. I want to say THIS IS MY MONTH... but who the hell am I kidding? I've totally stopped trying.

I have a list of reasons that I didn't do well this month... stress, work, moving, blah blah blah... the truth is. I'm sure I could weave a tail of struggles and distress and many of you would say... at least you are maintaining... it could have been worse. That may be true but want to know what's even more true than that?!?!?!?!?!

I STOPPED TRYING!!!

For every lame ass excuse I've got for not doing well I've got an equally or greater reason for doing better. For every poor choice I made when I ate, I gave up a good one. For every hour I sat on the couch instead of running on the treadmill, for every drink I had, cigarette I smoked, stupid piece of crappy food I put in my mouth; I have an hour that I could have been cooking good food, walking with my daughter, losing some stinking weight and inches!

SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?!

I told Karilynn the other day that I'm looking for that "THING". You know that elusive "THING" that give your motivation to do the "HEALTHY" deal. I realized yesterday; that "thing" is like falling in love. It’s the adrenaline rush you get when you first start something. It’s that heart pounding, mind numbing feeling that comes with the new, the chemical reaction in your brain... That shiver that shoots up your spine when you kiss someone for the first time. It’s the rush of building muscle and running when you haven't done it for years.

But just like the rush of lust when you're falling in love that stupid fat-losing adrenaline rush fades.

After the twittery-goo fades in a relationship you're left standing next to a person. Someone who is not you and often not who you thought they were when your vision was blinded by the haze of lovey-dovey smoke. You stop and realize that this person is not perfect and that's when the work begins because you have a decision to make. You choose to stay there, in love, or move on to the next "high".

The same is true with this, when you're adrenaline rush fades from the beginning of the "fat loss competition" and you're left standing there with a weight in your hand, it’s like waking up. Sometimes, it's a little like a nightmare and you wonder how the HELL you'd gotten there. It’s a little painful and surprising too I think; At least it was for me.
Here's my point, ultimately we choose. We choose to make a life with that person, we chose to stay in love and pray that that rush comes back to us one day. We chose to pick up another weight the next day and do it all over again. And sometimes we choose not to! That was me these last few months. I looked at the weight and thought, why should I even bother?
There's nothing in this for me.
There's no rush, no high...
No "THING".

So today, I'm making a choice. I'm going to STOP looking for the high. I'm going to pick up that weight and get my ass on a treadmill. The falling in love is over in this competition... For me, NOW, it's time to get some work done!

So? What's your choice?

new beginnings

Friday I'm closing on my new (old) house. i can hardly wait. although it's stressful to move and with everything else that's been going on i feel like it's almost more than i can take, i also feel like this new home is going to be a whole new beginning. for me, for my family, for my finances!

YAY!

I think October is going to be the best month of the year!

HOLY COW

I'm suppose to run a 1/2 marathon in 21 days and I AM NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!

Once i finally pulled my head out and started to recover from my poor decisions of last month i got sick. Not just a little but A LOT! I've been hacking and coughing and struggling to breath for the past 2.5 weeks. Needless to say my half marathon training has gone right out the window. The other day i was supposed to go 8 miles and after 2 i gave up. UGH!

My goal was to beat my last time by 33 mins and finish the race in under 3 hours.
My new goal: Finish the Race!

There is a part of me that wants to bail out on the whole thing. But i just can't. You see, i spent 45 dollars on that race and that would be ONE EXPENSIVE T-SHIRT if i did bail out now. I don't even spend that much for jeans!

So, are any of you walk/running the Layton half marathon? Anyone want a slow but steady partner to do the race with? Let me know.

Until then, I've got to get my @SS training again.

An introduction

I know I'm a little behind the times but... hey, better late than never right? So, Karilynn posted a challenge last week of introducing ourselves. So here i a little about me.

I'm 30 years old and mother to the most beautiful baby on the planet. This is my baby girl Jade. It is rare that i post pictures of her on an open blog or allow others to do so as well. i don't face book or my space so unless you're on a direct email list you probably won't see pictures like this very often. My husband Jack and i were married Aug. 19th 2007.

This is me 14 months and over 100 lbs. ago. Obviously pregnant but also WAY overweight as well. I am down 40+ pounds pre-pregnancy weight.

I was born and raised in Hooper Utah. That's north of Salt Lake City about 45 mins. and as far west as you can go without ending up in the Great Salt Lake (although i live just over the boarder so not to close to the lake). I grew up riding horses and traveling the rodeo seen with my family. They're all pretty country and i was always a little bit rock n' roll. But we all got along great!

Something a lot of people don't know about me: I am a belly dancer. I've been belly dancing for about six years now. i did take almost two years off just before i got pregnant and then during the pregnancy. i went back to dancing shortly after jade was born. I LOVE IT!!! (I'll try to add a pic but don't have one on this computer)

I work in supply as a Retail Item Manager. I love my job although it's crazy busy all the time and stresses me out a bit. There is never a day that i go to work that i don't feel like i accomplished something. That is a great way to end each day.

I've been overweight for most of my life. Although hind sight being 20/20 if i knew now what i knew then I'd have worried WAY less about my weight when i was a teenager. i would have loved my body and wore clothes to accentuate it rather than hide it!

My goal is to get to 18-20% body fat. i don't care how much i weigh at that point cause I'll be SMOKIN HOT!!!

The good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth…

Last you heard I was gearing up for a major push in August. I lined myself up to challenge a friend who was crazy enough to do the HCG diet. Well, needless to say, I fell WAY SHORT of the goal!

Without going into too much detail I’ve had some serious speed bumps in my life as of late. Things at home have been rocky to say the least and I felt as if I’ve been spinning out of control. Part of the reason for shooting for the big challenge was an attempt to get focused and stay that way. It didn’t work.

Rather than spending the month kicking my health and fitness into high gear I spent the month drinking, smoking, not drinking water, drinking coffee like it was water and eating like crap or even worse… not eating at all. For me not eating is the worst thing I can do to my body when it comes to weight loss. My metabolism, which usually runs like a Mack truck, flips into starvation mode with such ease that I pack on the fat like a polar bear preparing for the winter. I know this about myself… it isn’t news. Yet when the going got tough I gave up on me.

I started out ok. Digging in trying to stay on top... But then I stopped. For a few weeks I just ignored the fact that I was letting the month slip away with no regard to my health or well being. I found every opportunity and excuse to party and make bad choices all in a failed attempt to control something. I smoked because no one could stop me from doing it; I ate like shit because I was kidding myself that ‘I chose’ what I put in my mouth. I acted like a stupid, rebellious teenager. It was as I sat barfing my guts out in the bushes outside a house party this realization hit me like a freight train: I’m 30 years old! I have a daughter and a husband. I don’t want to go backwards!

Once I allowed myself consciously to realize what I was doing I spent a few days trying to make sense of it. I made lists of demands for myself, my husband and others around me. I lined up my life like a well prepared outline and then tried to force it into some kind of order. When that didn’t work I planned exit strategies that would get me to the end as quickly as possible, all of which were negative and geared entirely out of self destruction. Preparing myself mentally and physically to end my marriage, my position in my church, my place in my family… my everything!

Then suddenly………………….. It hit me………… WTF am I doing?

Why is it that when the shit hits the fan the ease and comfort of slipping into old patterns/habits jumps back into focus and feels like the best possible solution? I turned to some friends and family but I only gave them half truths and part of the story. Without all of the details outlined in my head they had no idea how to help. My husband, scared and completely confused, stood by me and tried to be supportive and understanding but again without all of the information he was at a loss.

I had a doctor’s appointment to get tested for exercise induced asthma (which it turns out I do have) and in a moment of weakness or brilliance or maybe both, I caved and spilled my guts to him. He made arrangements for me to see a counselor the following day and THANK GOD because I finally feel like I’m pulling myself back together again.

In my first few appointments with him my counselor just let me rattle on and on. Rather than focusing on my husband, family or whatever I decided the session would be entirely about me. I laid it all out there; the good, the bad and the ‘oh so ugly’ truth! I told him again and again, “I’m going flipping crazy! I need help!” He kept asking me why I was crazy. I’d tell him this scenario or that and with each end he’d say, “So, why do you think that’s crazy?” I wanted to yell or scream WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME? WHY THE HELL ELSE DO YOU THINK I’M HERE? I even entertained the idea of punching him in the face a time or two. But over and over he’d ask, what I was thinking and why I thought I was crazy or why I thought what I was thinking was crazy. Anyway, I was almost certain that by the end of the sessions I’d be crazy for sure.


Then the other day, he sat forward in his chair and said, “Now, do you want to know what I think?” I was like YES!!! THANK YOU!!! And he told me, “Everything you just said is complete and total bull shit!” I almost fell out of my chair. First, how could a cute little old man use such language (lol) and second… how dare he? I was floored. So much so in fact, that I shut up, sat back and at a complete loss of words opened myself up to hear what he had to say. He cut me to the quick in an instant and it was exactly what I needed him to do. He then used my silence as an opportunity to give me some insight into everything I had just said.

He told me I was a powerful, motivated, hard working, independent woman. I was fully capable of taking charge of my life and my situation. My executive mind decided that something in my life needed to change and in an effort to force the situation I made a list of “tangible things” that I could influence. The biggest mistake I made was focusing on all of the really negative and self-destructive tangible things for me. Here’s the problem with that and the reason I was going crazy; the reason I was completely bonkers in my head.

There was nothing wrong with my life, my circumstances or my tangible existence. What really had me messed up was that my heart was broken! With all that was happening I was an emotional wreck but rather than face that reality, rather than opening up my heart and being transparent about the whole thing I shut it down. Paralyzed by fear and the thought of hurting even more, I closed myself off to everyone and everything that was good in my life and ran to all of the things that were bad. I participated in a bunch of unhealthy activity while avoiding the healthy all together. I avoided those people I knew could reach into me and force the doors of my heart open. Even worse I ripped to shreds the ones who had the misfortune of being in my presence and making the attempt. (Sorry to ALL of you!)


I’ve been hiding from my future because I was hurt and afraid. I was focusing on the negative tangible aspects of my life because I was punishing myself for being too cowardly to face the truth. I’m sure it is only by the grace of God that I didn’t do something completely insane.
So there you go. Without to many details or dragging anyone under the bus, this is me being transparent. That’s where I’ve been and where I am now. I’m a wreck. But, I’m back. I come with no great promises for success or dedications or motivation. No crazy challenges in tow or deep commitment to anyone other than myself.

I’m back. That’s a start!