Had to blog...

I started this blog on this day and just never hit the send button. Not sure why exactly. I've been having a really hard time getting to a computer to get this done. The computer at my house is ridiculously slow and it ends up just making me mad. Bought a new one for my husband for Christmas but we haven't taken the time to hook up the router etc. so that it will work with the Internet. Sounds like a lame excuse huh?!?!?! Well, there you go.

Anyway, my blog entry went something like this:

I'm kicking butt and taking names! I had a little hiccup where i wasn't losing at all and I was getting frustrated...


That's not all I got down but I'm going to incorporate the rest into my next blog... SO, see you there!

At least I did… At least I didn’t…

I was on Facebook the other day (you gotta love facebook… lol) and in my news feed I saw a conversation between some old friends of mine. I knew these guys from my high school days when I was crazy enough to think I could be a skater. YIKES! Ah… the good ol days! LOL Anyway, the comments said this, Keegan: “Brit Gunderson or Danny Coleman, what was so bad about saying at least?” After some digital laughter (hahahahaha) Danny said this, “I think it’s cuz you didn’t give it your all and giving yourself an out by saying ‘at least I…” Brinton followed up with this, “It’s an automatic excuse!!! At least I didn’t fall… at least I didn’t bleed… but the bottom line is YOU DIDN’T DO WHATEVER YOU WERE TRYING TO DO!”

I’m not really sure I need to make too many comments about this. If reading this hit home for you like it did for me than you can probably stop reading right here and just reflect on your own “at least’s”. But, if it didn’t, or you’re just curious here’s my ten cents opinion about the subject.

I’ve made it no secret that I spent the last few months making stupid choices. I realize now that I’ve been saying “at least” a lot! “At least I didn’t do drugs; at least it was 20 and not 40” And so on and so forth.

I also find myself saying it even now; now that I’m back on track. I didn’t do the 6 miles I planned today but “at least” I did 4. I wanted to get to the gym 5 times this week but at least I got there 3 times. I wanted to be perfectly on menu but “at least” I did 6 out of 7 days.

This has got me thinking!

I am normally one to encourage people to focus on the good things they do. Yeah you wanted to go 5 days but look, you went 3! That’s great! Focus on that and make a goal to do better next week. I still think there is value in that because I think it is better to focus on the good that you’re doing rather than the bad especially if looking at the bad is going to bum you out and cause you to make even worse choices. I know for me, starting out, I had to do that a lot. I had to praise myself for every accomplishment, even in its smallest measure, because if I didn’t I would get discouraged and spiral farther and farther away from my goal.

But I find myself asking if I need that now?

Do I need to focus on the small accomplishments and dismiss the fact that I didn’t do what I planned to do?

No, I don’t!

I’ve been at this game long enough to look honestly at what I’ve been doing and what I’m doing wrong. I know what my capabilities are and I know what my limits are. I know how to set appropriate and obtainable goals; goals that will stretch me just a little for that week. So, as far as I’m concerned I’m done with “at least”. When I don’t accomplish the goal I set for myself I’m not going to make excuses. At this point I’m not helping myself at all by doing this.

Every time I excuse myself from doing “great” by accepting my “Ok” I sell myself short. Every time I excuse myself from doing my “best” by accepting or kidding myself that I’m doing “better” I cheat myself out of an opportunity to learn and grow. Every time I kid myself, lie to myself, lie to someone else, exaggerate or under exaggerate what I have done or haven’t done I am holding back my true potential.

I’m done denying myself my true potential.

I will not hide behind my “at least I did”… or “at least I didn’t”…

From now on if I set a goal and do not accomplish that goal I will not list all of the reasons it was ok. I will not whip out the “at least” and rationalize it away. From now on I am going to acknowledge my shortcomings and my successes without lying to myself, without any excuses.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself saying “at least I…” You did not do what it was you were planning to do! You did not accomplish your goal. You did not follow through. You did not live up to your full potential. Don’t beat yourself up about it but don’t lie to yourself about it either. If you find yourself saying “at least I…” you are selling yourself short and you deserve better.

You deserve the best.

The FAT me

I've been trying to think of something to blog about and I have just felt as if I have nothing to say. "I'm like speechless. I have no words. That never happens to me... words are my life!" (Can you name that movie?) Anyway... The other day I was texting a friend of mine about my month so far I had the big EUREKA moment. Here it is:

I have said that I've gained weight since the last competition but I've been a little tight lipped to most about just HOW MUCH it is because I was feeling all weird about it. It's 20 pounds. But I've come to realize that although admitting this out loud is disturbing it is also somewhat liberating too.

The admission of this truth brings with it the truth that I am back over 300 pounds. Something I swore I would NEVER do again. Yet here I am, 10.8 pounds over the BIG 300 to be exact. That's a lot. My goal for this month is to lose 20 pounds. The idea that doing this will just undo the damage I've done by being completely stupid for the last 3 months kinda makes me sick. BUT it also kinda makes me happy too. I know weird, right? Well here's the thing. Before now that would seem like something impossible. Something unachievable. Something overwhelming. Something that I COULD NOT DO... Before I would have been so utterly depressed by the fact that I had gained that weight and I would have beat myself up about it for days, weeks... even months. All the while gaining more and more and more.

But that was BEFORE.

I don't know exactly when this mind set changed, all I can say is sometime in the last 1.5 years it did. And now, I'm happy because I know that I CAN do it. It may take a month to undo the last 3 months of bad choices but it's not going to take a year. Even if it took me 3 months to undo I know now that I can do it.

I still have within me that feeling of shame, of guilt. That feeling in me that somehow if I say it out loud to the world (or at least to those of you that are reading this now) if I admit that I messed up and just how bad, that you'll be disappointed in me. I still have that nagging feeling that I'm disappointed in myself. Those feelings have been such an integral part of my life for so long I don't know if they'll ever go away completely. I think that even if I made it to my ULTIMATE goal weight I'd still fight those feelings every time I gained even 5 pounds.
Being fat, gaining weight, fighting the "endless battle" of losing weight, that's who I've been for as long as I can remember.

But guess what! All tied up in that same string of emotions I also now have hope, strength, determination and knowledge. I have a knowledge that if I just set my mind to it, do the things I now know I CAN do... 20 pounds is a piece of cake! I'm serious. A piece of cake. I know now that I can lose weight. I know now that I can lose 97 pounds because I have done it before. I know that I can do even better than that. I know that I posses the skill, knowledge and strength that it takes. Sometimes, in the midst of life, I forget. Or I start to doubt myself and wonder if I can. But that's just the old me, the insecure me, the FAT me talking. But now, that person doesn't exist anymore.

I'm not saying I'm skinny, that'd just be stupid. I'm saying that I no longer question my ability to fight this fight. More importantly, I no longer question my ability to win. I can do this!

When I did my first half marathon I honestly did not know if I could do it. That was one of the most challenging things I have ever put myself through. Once I crossed that finish line something in me was changed forever. When I did my second half marathon, although I had not been training and was not prepared, I was able to finish because I had done it once before.
I KNEW I could do it. That knowledge was all I needed to get me through.

We hear it all the time, "mind over matter".

One of the truest statements ever uttered.

Our minds are so powerful.

If I can quiet that Fat me in my head. If I listen to what I know,

to what I believe to be true,

not what I fear,

then I can do anything.

If you can just get past that part of your mind that doubts it,

you can do anything too.

I can do this. I KNOW I can.

(whatever it is)

So can you!

I’ve been trying to post this blog for a couple of days but I’ve been having some technical difficulties with my computer at home. Hopefully they will be fixed shortly. For the competition we officially have six participants. They are Jen, Ketti, Mindy (me), Karilynn, Marinda and Lisa. Links to their blogs are in my blog list to the left of this post. I hope that you will all add them to your blog list and be as supportive as possible. (I’m still waiting on a couple of checks so I’m hoping that those of you that said “It’s in the mail!” were not mistaken, or lying or whatever. ;0)

GET ME YOUR MONEY!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

It looks like we’re all working to take of some holiday weight and I’m EXCITED to see the results at the end of the month. Good luck to all of you! Although I look forward to kicking all of your trash I’m hoping you’re all doing great so far.