Gettin Skinny

We were at church the other day and our pastor was talking about vision. He used an example made my another pastor and it really hit home for me... it went something like this:

It's vision that drives us. Vision that gets moves us into the future. For example, when a fat person decides they want to lose weight if they're to be successful they will envision themselves fit. The day after that first work out when they are so sore they can barely walk it will be that vision that gets them out of bed and back to the gym. That vision that will help them to make good food choices and to push through. That vision will drive them through every obstacle if they can just get it and hold onto it. If they focus on that vision of themselves as a fit person they will inevitably become a fit person.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for a fat person to get skinny simply by hating being fat.

Focusing on a negative will NEVER yield positive results.

(for the record: I've totally forgotten the image i had envisioned for myself. But I'm working on building an even better one... )

Bet you thought i forgot to blog huh? I didn't, just didn't post it.
I'll add the original content to my new blog today.

Layton Half Marathon

I did it!!!
Saturday was the Layton half Marathon and I actually did it!!!

Here are some of my thoughts and experiences along the way:

Mile 1: "Sweet lovin... Only one mile done!?!?!?!?! UGH! Why the heck did I even show up for this?"

Mile 2: I pulled over to fix my socks... a couple of girls, Melissa and Alicia, thought something was wrong and stopped to check on me. I walked with them for a mile.

Mile 3: "Ladies, I need to kick this in gear. Catch up with me." :0) and I started to run in intervals.

Mile 4: "Holy shit! Mile 4? Really? I've still got 9 miles to go. My feet are hurting, I'm bored and 13.1 miles is to much time to be in my own head!" ......
Then I started doing the math. This 1/2 was an out and back course. We went out 6.55 miles, turned around and came back in. I was 4 miles out and there was nothing to do but turn around. I realized I was almost half way there. "May as well just keep going."

Mile 5: Alicia decided to ditch Melissa and she caught up with me. She was fantastic. Very upbeat and fun to chat with. The farthest distance she had ever walked up to this day was 4 miles. I thought she must be crazy but I knew she's make it through. The time with her passed quickly and it was fun to have someone to push to the half way point with.

Mile 7: Melissa hooked back up with Alicia and her pace was not quite as quick as ours so Alicia slowed to walk with her. I again said good bye and started running my intervals.

Mile 8: (or somewhere around there) I heard someone shout my name from behind me, "MINDY MILLER!!!" I looked over my shoulder to see Devin, my trainer, running up behind me. She was running the full marathon. It was awesome to see her. It inspired me to run a little farther. :0)

Mile 9: "I CAN NOT do this! What the hell was I thinking? I'll never make it"... My feet at this point were aching. I have this GIANT blister developing on the ball of my foot right under my toe. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN??? It was getting cold and the worst part of all, I was stuck in my head again. UGH!

Mile 9.5: Some lady on the side of the road carrying a baby started walking with me. She said she could tell I was struggling and asked if she could walk with me a while. She was an older gal and there to support her two daughters that were walk/running the race as well. I figured out who they were and told her they were behind me. She said she was going to walk to her car and drive to try and find them. She walked with me for over half a mile. Chatting and smiling and super encouraging. She had lost 45 pounds training to run a half marathon. We talked a bit about our weight loss journeys. She was walking pretty quickly and pushed me through that portion of the race. It was really amazing! I wish she could have walked with me to the end... I wish I knew her name cause I'd send her a thank you note or something.

Mile 10: A 16 year old kid who was running his first full marathon stopped running. He was totally fatigued, cramping and completely uncertain if he would make it. We started chatting for a bit. At first he kept pace with me but soon began to fall back and I wasn't walking that fast. I looked over my shoulder and said, "Hey, I know you've gone like 3 times farther than me at this point. But if my fat butt can keep up this pace you sure as heck can too! :D And I gave him a big cheesy smile. He picked up his pace and in about a quarter of a mile he started running again. His dad, a 6 time marathon runner, winked at me and said thank you. He yelled, "We'll see you at the finish line." I waved, "You'll be waiting for a while! Don't forget, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!"

Mile 11.5: Final aid station. "THIS FREAKING SUCKS!!!!" At this point it was a "gradual" incline to the finish line. "GRADUAL INCLINE MY ASS!!!" Obviously the person that mapped this route has never actually done a marathon. "I freaking hate that person"

Mile 12: At this point EVERYTHING hurts. I am completely out of all reasons to go on. I know there is nothing to do but keep walking. There was no one at the finish line to meet me. No one to come and pick me up. No options but to keep walking. So, I started praying. I said something like, "Jesus, you've got to help me through this. Cause I don't think I can do this alone." Then I started to cry. Not just small tears slowly dripping down my face or anything like that. The loud sobbing, gasping cry that comes when you're really, really broken. In that moment that I asked God for help I thought to myself, "Why would he help me? I've done NOTHING for him lately." But, you know what, that is not what made me cry. It was was the realization, in that moment, that it didn't matter that I had done nothing for Him. I didn't have to earn his love. He'd help me simply because he loves me. Had I forgotten that these last few months? I need to get out of my head.

I pulled myself together and kept walking.

Mile 12.75: I can see the finish line. It's SOOOOO close but SOOOO far away still. Every step is agony. I really just want to sit down. There was no adrenaline rush this time. No big finish. Only the desire to sit down. I kept walking.

The Finish Line: I didn't even attempt to run over the finish line this time. I looked around at the crowd expecting NO ONE to be there to cheer me on. They announced my name and I gave two big thumbs up. Then to my left I heard someone shout my name and looked up. There was the 16 year old and his dad. They had ACTUALLY waited at the finish line to cheer me on. Then, from the other side, again I heard my name. There was the mother that had walked with me. They were all clapping and cheering and shouting my name.

HOLY crap...I totally didn't expect that!
Here come the tears again!

Finally, I crossed the finish line and they put the metal over my head. I must have looked like hell, or maybe it was the tears, cause someone from the medic tent rushed up to me to see if I was OK. I just laughed. "I'm doing great now!" From be hind me I heard Alicia's name. I turned around to watch her cross the finish line and cheered her through. She said she had tried to catch up with me but couldn't pull it off. We stood there together high fiving each other and cheering on the other runners. About 5 minutes later Melissa crossed the finish line too.

I hobbled to my car and drove home. I know, anti-climatic huh? Still, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself for pulling it off. My official time was 3 hours 52 minutes. That's 21 minutes longer than my last race (and not as good as i thought when I finished) but under my 4 hour mark. Last time I had Jessica right there with me to push me through. Karilynn was there for the last mile of the race. My mom, sister, husband and daughter were there to cheer me over the finish line. This time, it was just me.

I'm WAY proud of myself for for showing up and even more proud for finishing. I had a thousand reasons to not even show up that day. But, as a smart woman once said, make a list of all the "reasons" you can't do something; then throw them away cause they're all just excuses anyway!!

If you wanna do it. You just have to do it!

I stopped trying...

SO I was talking to Karilynn the other day about my month. Thank heaven I only gained .2 lbs. this month. The truth is though that I actually gained like somewhere between 7 and 10 and then lost it again! YIKES! Still, at least I pulled my head out enough to get it back down before weigh in.

So this is where I am. I am about 2 lbs up from my lowest weight in this competition. That means I've got to lose those 2 lbs. plus more to even start getting credit for the work I do. I want to say THIS IS MY MONTH... but who the hell am I kidding? I've totally stopped trying.

I have a list of reasons that I didn't do well this month... stress, work, moving, blah blah blah... the truth is. I'm sure I could weave a tail of struggles and distress and many of you would say... at least you are maintaining... it could have been worse. That may be true but want to know what's even more true than that?!?!?!?!?!

I STOPPED TRYING!!!

For every lame ass excuse I've got for not doing well I've got an equally or greater reason for doing better. For every poor choice I made when I ate, I gave up a good one. For every hour I sat on the couch instead of running on the treadmill, for every drink I had, cigarette I smoked, stupid piece of crappy food I put in my mouth; I have an hour that I could have been cooking good food, walking with my daughter, losing some stinking weight and inches!

SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?!

I told Karilynn the other day that I'm looking for that "THING". You know that elusive "THING" that give your motivation to do the "HEALTHY" deal. I realized yesterday; that "thing" is like falling in love. It’s the adrenaline rush you get when you first start something. It’s that heart pounding, mind numbing feeling that comes with the new, the chemical reaction in your brain... That shiver that shoots up your spine when you kiss someone for the first time. It’s the rush of building muscle and running when you haven't done it for years.

But just like the rush of lust when you're falling in love that stupid fat-losing adrenaline rush fades.

After the twittery-goo fades in a relationship you're left standing next to a person. Someone who is not you and often not who you thought they were when your vision was blinded by the haze of lovey-dovey smoke. You stop and realize that this person is not perfect and that's when the work begins because you have a decision to make. You choose to stay there, in love, or move on to the next "high".

The same is true with this, when you're adrenaline rush fades from the beginning of the "fat loss competition" and you're left standing there with a weight in your hand, it’s like waking up. Sometimes, it's a little like a nightmare and you wonder how the HELL you'd gotten there. It’s a little painful and surprising too I think; At least it was for me.
Here's my point, ultimately we choose. We choose to make a life with that person, we chose to stay in love and pray that that rush comes back to us one day. We chose to pick up another weight the next day and do it all over again. And sometimes we choose not to! That was me these last few months. I looked at the weight and thought, why should I even bother?
There's nothing in this for me.
There's no rush, no high...
No "THING".

So today, I'm making a choice. I'm going to STOP looking for the high. I'm going to pick up that weight and get my ass on a treadmill. The falling in love is over in this competition... For me, NOW, it's time to get some work done!

So? What's your choice?